Andy (Formerly Apemann)

What comes across clearly is that English is not your first language. Even so, you are to be congratulated on managing to correctly write dialogue, which so many native English speakers regularly fail to do...

You've written an interesting, but somewhat rushed, story, which leaves it with a rather unfinished feel. There are gaps in your narrative that needs filling-out and explaining more thoroughly. However, as a first attempt, this is still a fair one. :-)

I really do not know what to make of this. It is both interesting and confusing; confounding, even! I cannot say that I enjoyed it, as I found it to be somewhat preachy in tone. I do, though, appreciate the work and effort that has gone into producing the piece, for which you deserve praise.

I sort-of get where you're coming from with this one, but the leap from heartbreak to 'monster' isn't really explained or clear, which is a shame. However, another good offering :-)

Whilst it seems fairly easy to write rhyming couplets there is an art to doing it in such a way as to make the lines flow naturally so that they 'trip off the tongue' when you read them. Some of your couplets are a little forced (a fault I also suffer from!) which interrupts the flow of your poem.

However, in saying that, there is enough content to provoke thought, which is no bad thing. Well done!

A good story well told. However, I found your introduction to the story annoying: I do not like to be told how I will feel before I have even begun to read a story. Please read my piece 'How to Write a Teaser'. You might find it helpful and informative...

Allowing for the assumption that English is not your first language, there is still no excuse for ignoring the site's submission guidelines. There are many areas in your work where they have been totally ignored.

However, there is the germ of a good story here, but it need more work and more CARE taking over it if you do decide to continue with it. I would suggest that you edit this part first before you do so.

Nicely done, cleverly covering all those unspoken fears we all suffer with from time to time.

As good as this is, we have seen far too many similar works on the site to make this stand out from a (now rather large) crowd. I would very much like to see you turn your talent to other subjects...