Andy (Formerly Apemann)

As presented this story is 'okay'. However, with some work and a lot more detail in places it could be a very good story. Some of the 'action sequences' are too brief and skirted-over rather than explained, for example.

You have a good imagination, which is the one thing that comes across clearly in your story. More practice will improve your writing skills, as will reading works by similar authors. Good stuff! :-)

Your writing style makes reading parts of your story awkward and uncomfortable. The mixture of straightforward English and the more 'flowery' descriptions clash unpleasantly in places, which does not make for an entertaining read.

I was also somewhat puzzled by the rather confusing opening to your story, with the choppy incomplete thoughts and ideas. Okay, you got to your point eventually, but in such a roundabout way that it left me puzzled as to why you chose that way of doing it? Why not just tell the story 'straight'?

This is a good story (I would perhaps have submitted it in two parts, though) with some good parts and some rather out-of-place language and descriptions. I look forward to reading more from you :-)

A couple of silly and unnecessary spelling mistakes spoil and otherwise entertaining and engaging story. Using your computer's spell-check facility will help highlight such errors before submission. Overall, though, very good work.

Given that you told most of your story in your introduction I didn't feel that it was necessary for me to read the actual story. Please read my piece 'How to Write a Teaser'. It will be of benefit to you...

Your story sends a strong moral message in an interesting and engaging manner that does not patronise your reader. That is to your credit.

There are some grammar and punctuation errors that need correcting, which your computer's spell-checker and thesaurus will help with.

Overall a good piece. I look forward to reading more from you soon :-)

Yet another tiresome ten suicide story, albeit told in slightly different manner.

As such, though, it's not a bad story. There are faults with it, but nothing too serious. I only wish you had turned your skills to a more entertaining and original theme than this boring and overdone one!

One last thought: do YOU really believe that this story is suitable for kids as young as twelve years old? I suggest that you change the age category to at least 15+

What should have been an interesting and entertaining read turned into a test of patience and temper. Your annoying practice of running one sentence into the next without pause or punctuation is an extremely bad habit that needs rectifying immediately!

One of the site's submission guidelines is that you do not use slang or colloquialisms, something you chose to ignore (the word 'gander' crops up I noted...) This spoils your writing and alienates readers who may not know what the words mean. Please don't do it. At the same time CHECK that YOU know the meaning of words before you use them: the word 'conferred' is not the right word in your Dream 7 story. The word you needed is 'committed'.

I suggest that you learn how to present your stories in a manner that makes them more readable and accessible to all. As presented they are clumsy and not very pleasant to read, which is a pity as you have some story-telling talent. You just need to take your time, think about what you're doing and what you want to say and how you want to present it. You will become a better writer for doing so...

An interesting concept which has been executed quite well. I am disappointed, though, that you failed to follow our submission guidelines with regard to numerals (see point three). Overall a creditable effort. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future. :-)

There is a good story here fighting to get out. Unfortunately you have burdened it with some clumsy phraseology, poor grammar and spelling. This is a story that needed some judicious editing before it was submitted for publication. Do keep writing, but take more care with the words you use and the way in which you use them. You have talent, but it needs careful honing to bring it to its full potential.