Andy (Formerly Apemann)

There is the basis here of a good story. However, clumsiness and failure to check your work before submitting it for publication is in danger of undermining your efforts.

I would advise that you re-read the site's Submission Guidelines. Your work, as presented, breaches a number of them. They are meant to HELP you produce the best work you are capable of. Ignoring them - or not bothering to red them at all - is really not a good idea...

There is something quite soulless about this piece. I read it through twice and found myself somewhat distanced from it; disengaged, even. I think the problem is the 'coldness' in which it is written (understandably given the subject matter) is perhaps too cold and remote. The style does not invite the reader to engage emotionally with the work.

Your writing is usually very entertaining. For me, this one did not work as well as some of your other stories.

This is one of those apparently simple ideas that turn out to be a tad more complicated to write than it first appeared. I liked the idea behind the story, but the execution was not perhaps as good as it might have been. Still, on the whole, not the worst thing you have ever submitted, so that a plus :-)

Allowing for the assumption that English is not your first language, there is still no excuse for ignoring the site's submission guidelines. There are many areas in your work where they have been totally ignored.

However, there is the germ of a good story here, but it need more work and more CARE taking over it if you do decide to continue with it. I would suggest that you edit this part first before you do so.

Whilst it seems fairly easy to write rhyming couplets there is an art to doing it in such a way as to make the lines flow naturally so that they 'trip off the tongue' when you read them. Some of your couplets are a little forced (a fault I also suffer from!) which interrupts the flow of your poem.

However, in saying that, there is enough content to provoke thought, which is no bad thing. Well done!

I sort-of get where you're coming from with this one, but the leap from heartbreak to 'monster' isn't really explained or clear, which is a shame. However, another good offering :-)

A couple of grammatical and spelling errors from the start was a off-putting when reading this piece ("she inquired" instead of "she Enquired"; 'definitly' instead of 'definitely') and again shows your slap-dash approach to your own work. Your computer has thesaurus and spell-check facilities. It would pay you to use them before submitting future works...

As for your story; an interesting little piece, if somewhat confused. You describe the girls eyes at one point as "cold begging" eyes. Why? What does it mean and to what purpose are those words used? Surely if the girl is begging the guy to stay they would be warm, inviting eyes?

I sometimes get the impression you use words and phrases for effect rather than for the purpose of telling the story; almost as though you are trying to impress with your vocabulary. It is something that many young writers are guilty of (and many not-so-young, too!) and more of than not had the reverse effect. Write what you really mean, not what you THINK you should.

I think you are still trying to find your 'voice' as a writer. It takes time and practice to achieve. Taking the help and advice given to you will help you on your way. You have the potential to be a very good writer... IF you shed the bad habits you have already developed.

Ignoring the fact that you ignored several of the site's Submission Guidelines (may I suggest that you actually read them..?) you have a nice flair for telling an engaging story. Your characters are a little shallow in places and some of the dialogue is a tad stilted, but that's okay. The overall impression was positive. Iron out the presentation errors and you'll have a great piece of work :-)