Andy (Formerly Apemann)

I'm not really sure what to make of your poem. Not that it's bad, because it isn't. It's just..., well... ODD :-) It doesn't seem to fit any conventional poetry style, which is no bad thing either. Ah well, there's nothing wrong in being different - and this poem is certainly that!

Although this 'story' has been approved for publication it is not rally what the site was set up for. However, as there already similar works published it would not be fair to reject your work. I must, though, make you aware that future works in a similar vein or theme will not be accepted. One further note: please read my piece 'How to Write a Teaser'. It might prove helpful to you...

A good, confident beginning for a novice writer. I hope to read more from you :-)

BTW: the BRIEF description of the story section is meant as just that - a few words about the story. There is no need to go into as much detail as you have.

An interesting and well-written opening to your story. Well done. :-)

Take care with your spelling and limit your comments in the 'Brief Description' to just a few words. There is no need to 'over-explain' things...

Good work. I look forward to reading more.

What began as an interesting idea did not really fulfil its potential. Your style of writing in places is very stilted and awkward; old-fashioned, even. At times it reads almost as jokey; facetious even, which robs your words of the impact they were meant to convey. The overall feeling I get from your story is a level of uncertainty as to which direction you meant it to take: a serious dramatic story or one that is a little light-hearted. This story is a little of both at times.

All that being said, there is a good story-teller in you. I hope to read more from you.

One note of caution: it is NOT good practice to use numerals in prose. One should always write numbers in full.

Ignoring the fact that you ignored several of the site's Submission Guidelines (may I suggest that you actually read them..?) you have a nice flair for telling an engaging story. Your characters are a little shallow in places and some of the dialogue is a tad stilted, but that's okay. The overall impression was positive. Iron out the presentation errors and you'll have a great piece of work :-)

Okay, I WANT to like your work. My problem is that I get a feeling of 'incompleteness' from some of your stuff, which frustrates me. This offering is a case in point. It doesn't really say anything (to me, anyway) nor does it go anywhere meaningful.

I would like to see more depth to your writing; more purpose, if you will. At the moment I feel that there is a poet trying to burst out, but has not quite found the right path just yet. Keep plugging-away at it, though :-))

Due to your wordy 'brief description' I knew what was coming before I reached the end of your story. The idea of that section is to HINT at what the story is about , not to tell almost the whole story.

The story itself is okay. It feels like you tried to tell a complex story in too few words, which makes it feel a tad rushed. However, a reasonable effort on the whole :-)