Andy (Formerly Apemann)

I have read all of your work so far.. and it's pretty depressing!

I understand the need to express oneself through writing. It's often helpful and has proven to be therapeutic.. However, I'm not so sure that posting so much deep personal pain is really the right way to go...

Interestingly, if you turned your mind to more interesting and positive topics, you have the capacity to write very good poems (and perhaps stories as well?). You have a nice way with words and a good manner of expression. I'm sure there is a lighter and more upbeat side to you that is just bursting to be set free.

Go on, give yourself a chance! :-)

As previously mentioned, the use of expletives can be a powerful tool - in the right circumstances. For me, the use in this poem makes you sound petulant stroppy. Your words would have had more impact without the expletives, showing a level of control and maturity that it sounds like you were aiming for...

Take care with the words you use and when and how you use them. You have a good enough vocabulary that should preclude the necessity for you to revert to crudity to get your point across. You are a good writer; believe in yourself and your language skills :-)

Yes, a classic case of being careful what you wish for...

A well told tale with a couple of bumpy grammatical errors along the way '(ingenuous' is used in the wrong context: ingenious might have been more accurate; 'inhabitance' in this context is wrong: habitation would have been more appropriate)

Another enjoyable offering overall. Well done :-)

I really wanted to enjoy your story... but you lost my concentration with your tedious and repetitive and excruciatingly tiresome description of her work with the ball in paragraphs two and three. This is definitely a case of far too much information for information's sake. There are other examples throughout your work, which really detracts from your story, which is a real pity. You could have covered almost all of those two paragraphs in half-a-dozen sentences without detriment to your story.

May I suggest a thorough re-read of both parts and some judicious editing to make the whole more palatable and reader-friendly? It's a good piece of work that has been somewhat damaged (not ruined!) by a dose of verbosity taking over in places. It is not irredeemable :-)

I find your work far too graphic and somewhat self-indulgent in its depictions of violence and bloodshed. It's actually rather annoying as you are a better story-teller than the stuff you submit. By that I mean that you tell good stories but (for me) overdo things by going for overkill rather than subtlety in your narrative and descriptions. You have the skills and talent to achieve much the same effect without the OTT descriptive passages. Honestly, they do not do you justice...

I would like to see you submit something that is less bloody and more interesting - and entertaining - to read. Blood, gore and the like have a limited shelf-life.

Hmm...

To be honest my first impression after reading this poem is that it is 'self-pitying': someone begging forgiveness for committing suicide. It left me feeling a little put-out by it as it just doesn't feel right.

It's not a bad poem, just the subject matter that doesn't work for me.

I do wish you would CHECK your work before submitting it! There are numerous spelling mistakes in this piece, which are unforgivable as it is unnecessary. You spoil your work through your laziness. Make the effort to use the spell-check facility on your computer!

On the whole you write well and entertain. You are often better than the work you submit. This piece is not your finest hour, neither is it your worst.

Apart from the one exaggerated use of 'poetic licence' (On webs spiders spinned/And says a little prayer/Where the grass has thinned) this is a sweet, dreamy little poem that raises a fond smile. Be careful with poetic licence: you can only get away with it once or twice :-)