Andy (Formerly Apemann)

A nice, heartfelt poem somewhat spoilt by your failure to CHECK your spelling!

Take the time to use your computer's spell-check facility before submitting future work...

Oh dear, this could have been SO much better.

What you have presented is a 500-word outline of a much longer story. You have tried to cram a long story into a short one and, unfortunately, it just hasn't worked. There is no plot to speak of, no characterisation and no action of any description. It reads like an idea for a story that you've rushed to jot down before you forgot it. It certainly does not read like something you have put a great deal of thought or effort into...

You say that this is something of a departure from what you'd normally write. I would be most interested in reading your 'normal' output :-)

I find poems like this a little annoying. Whilst I appreciate that you are expressing yourself I am not so sure it is suitable for 'mass consumption'. I am not ignorant of the effects of depression having been a sufferer for most of my life. However, I never felt the need to harm myself nor to share my pain in such a graphic and public manner.

Is this a good poem? I don't know. Being honest, I don't really care either, which is a pity as you are a good writer and have produced better work than this.

If you want to be taken seriously - at least, have your work taken seriously - you need to undergo a major attitude adjustment! For a young girl your language is atrocious!! Also, the 'don't give a toss' impression you give out is not exactly endearing.

As regards your story: yes, there are some good elements to it. However the grammar and spelling errors are inexcusable given the facilities on your computer that will highlight them for you IF you bother to use them. Overall, a disappointing effort as, had YOU made the effort to work on it, the story could (and would) have been so much better.

Whilst I appreciate the somewhat surrealist and esoteric nature of your work, the use of incorrect words and bad spelling is inexcusable ('there' instead of 'their' for instance) .To 'erode' means to rub or wear away; how does that word fit in with your poem???

It's all very well being clever and arty - but you still have to do the basics right.

I read the first paragraph and came across FIVE errors! It put me off reading any more as I am 99.9% sure there will be more of the same.
This level of laziness is inexcusable as there are facilities on your computer to help you avoid silly basic mistakes. Why don't you use them?
For the record the five errors are:

brothers (should be 'brother's')
car, we left (should be: '...brother's car. We left...)
4 hour (should be 'four hour' or 'four-hour')
nerve racking (should be 'nerve-wracking')

This may seem harsh, but with good reason: you cannot expect people to take you or your work seriously if YOU don't. Posting such shoddy work gives a very negative impression and does not do you justice. Please take more care with future works.

What could - and should - have been an interesting and entertaining piece of work was completely ruined by the constant repetition of the word 'day. that in itself was bad enough, but to keep repeating it in capitals is unforgivable.

There are times when, as a writer, you have to take an impartial look at your own work and decide if it is REALLY what you intended to produce. I somehow doubt that this effort is the very best work you have - or ever will - produce. It does have merit, but not in its present form.

I understand the very personal nature of this poem. Unfortunately the way you have written it is so 'jumpy' and clunky it just does not flow properly. This makes it a difficult poem to read but - and far more importantly - the message you were trying to put across is completely lost.

In it's present layout it does not really work. This is not your finest hour :- ( I would suggest that you look at it again and re-work the poem into a more reader-friendly version.