United Kingdom • 64 y/o • MaleReviews Given
I loved the idea behind this story, but it is a tad confusing in places. It would have helped immensely if you had separated the dialogue in to separate lines to make identifying who was speaking easier.
Calling your lead character 'big brother', whilst kind-of cute, doesn't really work for me. I would have preferred he had a name.
Overall, a good story. :-)
I am a fan of your work on the whole, but this one had me scratching my head. Not one of your better ones...
The numerous punctuation, grammar and spelling errors spoil what could have ben an otherwise interesting and engaging story. As it is, the faults get in the way of the pleasure to be gained from reading your work.
It's all the more annoying when a simple quick check with your spell-checker would have revealed the problems before you submitted your story. You do yourself a disservice by not taking those extra few minutes...
On the plus side, you have a good imagination. With care you could become a very good writer. :-)
Your somewhat over-the-top and melodramatic delivery rather undermines the message you are trying to impart. Toned down a little this could be an impressive poem, but for me - as it stands - it is far too much...
Although this is a somewhat different take on the theme it IS yet another story about suicide/young death. The whole thing is becoming tedious, to be frank.
That being said, your personal story-telling skills elevate this one above most of the others. However, I do wish you would turn your talents to writing something more positive and upbeat rather than concentrate on this dreary, boring and overdone subject. You are MUCH better than this!
I like this. The simplicity of your words gives them greater weight. Rather than burdening your reader with a plethora of emotive phrases you have expressed yourself beautifully. There are a few who could learn a thing or two from your approach to writing...
Well done!
This one does not work very well at all. It reads like you ran out of ideas and simply repeated it to give it length and content.
There are good things about it: some of the lines are beautifully composed. However, in the form in which it is presented it lacks that 'something' to make it stand out.
The style of this piece puts me in mind of a old-fashioned ballad or love poem. For one so young to be writing in this style is surprising as it takes a great deal of skill to pull it off effectively.
You have done a fair job, but it is far from perfect. However, for someone who is not a native English speaker, it is a remarkable achievement nonetheless. Well done!