United Kingdom • 64 y/o • MaleReviews Given
There is potential here for a really interesting and engaging story. However, by rushing through it in the manner you have so far, you are in danger of ruining what you are trying to achieve.
Take more time to fully explore you characters, to develop your plot and storyline and to write it so that it doesn't read like you could not wait to get down all the words before you forgot them. As an outline story, this works very well, but it needs work to develop it into the fleshed-out and fully rounded tale it deserves to be.
What comes across clearly is that English is not your first language. Even so, you are to be congratulated on managing to correctly write dialogue, which so many native English speakers regularly fail to do...
You've written an interesting, but somewhat rushed, story, which leaves it with a rather unfinished feel. There are gaps in your narrative that needs filling-out and explaining more thoroughly. However, as a first attempt, this is still a fair one. :-)
I really do not know what to make of this. It is both interesting and confusing; confounding, even! I cannot say that I enjoyed it, as I found it to be somewhat preachy in tone. I do, though, appreciate the work and effort that has gone into producing the piece, for which you deserve praise.
I'm sure that this is an interesting read... but I gave up on it after two paragraphs.
The problem is that your paragraphs are FAR too long. Shorter, 'snappy' paragraphs are preferable to long, rambling writing as they are easier to read and to absorb. I would suggest that editing your story would be beneficial.
I would also suggest that you re-read the submission guidelines. They clearly state that the use of numerals in prose is NOT good practice.
You are undoubtedly a good story-teller and you put a lot of effort into what you produce. The bad habits you have grown into let you down a little, though. Solve those small issues and you'll be a great writer! :-)
Before continuing with your story you really need to iron-out the errors in this part first.
It is peppered with grammar and punctuation mistakes, which is inexcusable. Your computer has a spell-check and thesaurus facility. If you used them your story would not be presented so poorly.
I have to ask myself 'if this person isn't bothered about presenting the best story he/she can, why should I bother to read it?' That is a thought worth bearing in mind...
Your few words have no real impact or relevance. I fail to grasp what point you were (presumably) trying to make.
This reads like the whining of a bratty child who cannot get her own way and not what you claim: the true feelings of a teenage girl.
Other's have presented similar works and done a much better job of it. This really is not good.
From the very first word - Abbey - I was disappointed. Your spelling is inaccurate: the usual abbreviation of the name Abigail (which I'm assuming is what was intended) is either Abby or Abbi. Your spelling refers to a religious building!
In the first three sentences you use the word 'job' three times. This is clumsy writing and poorly thought through. It jars badly when reading the paragraph.
That discordant theme runs right through your story: it's all a little 'clunky' and not very well explained or set out. It feels like you had an idea (and, I hasten to add, not an original one, either!) but didn't really know how to put it to paper. The result is an unsatisfying 'taster' that doesn't fulfil its promise.
There IS the germ of a good story here, but it needs a lot of work and thought to bring it to full fruition.
Please re-read the sites Submission Guidelines again and edit your story accordingly. As is stands this submission falls a long way short of the guidelines...