United Kingdom • 64 y/o • MaleReviews Given
Yet another tiresome ten suicide story, albeit told in slightly different manner.
As such, though, it's not a bad story. There are faults with it, but nothing too serious. I only wish you had turned your skills to a more entertaining and original theme than this boring and overdone one!
One last thought: do YOU really believe that this story is suitable for kids as young as twelve years old? I suggest that you change the age category to at least 15+
What should have been an interesting and entertaining read turned into a test of patience and temper. Your annoying practice of running one sentence into the next without pause or punctuation is an extremely bad habit that needs rectifying immediately!
One of the site's submission guidelines is that you do not use slang or colloquialisms, something you chose to ignore (the word 'gander' crops up I noted...) This spoils your writing and alienates readers who may not know what the words mean. Please don't do it. At the same time CHECK that YOU know the meaning of words before you use them: the word 'conferred' is not the right word in your Dream 7 story. The word you needed is 'committed'.
I suggest that you learn how to present your stories in a manner that makes them more readable and accessible to all. As presented they are clumsy and not very pleasant to read, which is a pity as you have some story-telling talent. You just need to take your time, think about what you're doing and what you want to say and how you want to present it. You will become a better writer for doing so...
Rather than submit non-original work, I would much rather read something YOU wrote.
What should have been a pleasure to read was spoiled because the story is riddled with spelling and grammatical mistakes.
Take time to CHECK your work before submitting it. Your computer has spell-check and thesaurus facilities: use them!
On the plus side, there is a budding story-teller in you. Iron-out the clumsiness - and laziness! - and you will become a fine writer.
Yet ANOTHER tiresome and boring story on the subject of teen suicide. This topic has been (if you'll excuse the pun!) done to death already. Sure, it's a slightly different slant on the genre, but it's still a teen suicide story.
You can write, no doubt about that. PLEASE try something that hasn't already been done a thousand times before next time?
An interesting story... but I never got to the end due to my issues with your poor punctuation. take this paragraph for example:
"Lisa felt uneasy as she drove to the house, she’d heard stories about poor old people dying in their house alone, no one checking on them for weeks. Her uneasiness rose as she approached the little house, the lawn was overgrown and the letterbox was overflowing with junk mail. She walked up to the door and knocked, there was no answer and she could sense a stillness within. She knocked again and then made her way around the side of the house, she noticed the neighbours curtains flicker as she approached the open window."
This is MY punctuated version:
"Lisa felt uneasy as she drove to the house. She had heard stories about poor old people dying in their house alone, no one checking on them for weeks. Her uneasiness rose as she approached the little house. The lawn was overgrown and the letterbox was overflowing with junk mail. She walked up to the door and knocked. There was no answer and she could sense a stillness within. She knocked again (but after getting no answer) made her way around the side of the house. She noticed the neighbour's curtains flicker as she approached the open window."
Can you feel how more smoothly the sentences flow? Don't be afraid to use full-stops. If you have ever read any of Lee Child's books you will know immediately how effective they can be :-)
Also, be sparing in your use of contractions in your work. They stand out glaringly when over-used (check out the first few sentences in the third paragraph of your story...) They serve a useful purpose, but should not be used as a matter of course, as it seems you do in your writing.
You are a good story-teller and a good writer, but you have developed some bad habits that will stay with you (and mar your work) unless they are pointed out to you. I hope this helps!
Keep writing :-)
Short, sharp... but ultimately disappointing.
This has potential to be something good, but the few words you have submitted do not really DO anything or take the reader on whatever journey you perceived.
I kind=of see your intention, but (for me) it has not really worked.
There is the basis here of a good story. However, clumsiness and failure to check your work before submitting it for publication is in danger of undermining your efforts.
I would advise that you re-read the site's Submission Guidelines. Your work, as presented, breaches a number of them. They are meant to HELP you produce the best work you are capable of. Ignoring them - or not bothering to red them at all - is really not a good idea...