United Kingdom • 64 y/o • MaleReviews Given
A little confused - and confusing - as you seem to be trying to incorporate too many ideas and themes into one poem. I get the gist of the poem, but the result is unsatisfying.
On the plus side; there is a spark of a storyteller in you that, with care and nurturing, could become a good one :-)
Trying to cram such a large subject into so few words leaves glaring gaps in your narrative. What we are left with is a hors d'oeuvre instead of a banquet.
Allowing for the fact that English is not your first language, some of the phraseology is stilted and clumsy. Try to write in a more natural voice rather than one that does not sit well with you. You will find it much easier - and you'll ,learn a lot more, too :-)
Do keep writing.
Oh dear, this could have been SO much better.
What you have presented is a 500-word outline of a much longer story. You have tried to cram a long story into a short one and, unfortunately, it just hasn't worked. There is no plot to speak of, no characterisation and no action of any description. It reads like an idea for a story that you've rushed to jot down before you forgot it. It certainly does not read like something you have put a great deal of thought or effort into...
You say that this is something of a departure from what you'd normally write. I would be most interested in reading your 'normal' output :-)
Another slap-dash effort full of spelling mistakes.
Another tiresome 'teen death' story that has been told a thousand times before on this site alone. Okay, this one is slightly above the average, but it doesn't detract from that fact that it is another entry in an over-subscribed genre.
What is so frustrating is that you are better than this. Your talents could - and should - be turned towards writing more interesting and entertaining stories than this sort of thing. Allow your mind to expand and believe in yourself and you will be a very good writer. This nonsense brings you no credit and does not do your talents justice.
First off, the use of numerals in prose is not good practice, as noted in the Submission Guidelines. Please remember for future submissions...
There are some good points to your story but overall, it's all a bit heavy-handed and somewhat stilted. You would have benefitted from showing your story around to friends and family for comments to iron-out some of the 'awkward' parts.
Overall, though, a fair effort. I look forward to reading future submissions :-)
I find poems like this a little annoying. Whilst I appreciate that you are expressing yourself I am not so sure it is suitable for 'mass consumption'. I am not ignorant of the effects of depression having been a sufferer for most of my life. However, I never felt the need to harm myself nor to share my pain in such a graphic and public manner.
Is this a good poem? I don't know. Being honest, I don't really care either, which is a pity as you are a good writer and have produced better work than this.
I'm really not sure what to make of your poem. Some of your imagery is quite clever and descriptive... but I wonder if it's appropriate in the context you intend it?
I can see that there is a budding poet here; I hope to read more of your work soon :-)