United Kingdom • 60 y/oReviews Given
Warm and plausible, well done.
If Cal tries to stand up to his mother but she won't stop objecting, that would be more plausible than if he gives in immediately. It creates a bit more tension too.
Credit where its due, you've improved the story since you put an earlier version of it online.
You strike a good balance between crisp, realistic descriptions and a touch of mystery.
I'm glad Wolf made it in the end.
I'd have put a little more suspense in the opening blurb. I'd have put 'will he turn his life around?' instead of saying he does. The actual story is good.
We are surrounded by images of people who are physically perfect. It puts a lot of pressure on us to measure up. Try to remember celebrities have a lot of help from make up artists and even personal trainers. Teenagers in films are often portrayed by twenty somethings. Photos can even be airbrushed. Most of us are not so lucky. Just because you don't look like your favourite singer or actor, it doesn't make you a failure.
You could've told us more about what you and Charlie did together, games you played, music you listened to and so on. That would be a more subtle way of showing his character. That said, there are good descriptive passages here and the nostalga is heartfelt. Many people will relate to the theme of a warm but lost friendship.
The twist is good and took me by surprise. Just one thing, a twist needs to be prepared for without giving too much away. If your narrator says, while making up, that she seldom gets a chance to relax or have fun it implies that she has a tough job. If as you imply she goes undercover in dangerous situations, it anticipates the twist but holds some information back. Keep it up.
Its good that you're advising others in a similar situation, it shows courage and optimism. I hope things get better for you soon.