IanG

Please take this as constructive criticism, as this is good for such a young writer.

Why does he ask "did someone live here twenty years ago?" He would more likely say "who lived here before us?" He must know they didn't build the house themselves, and if not then obviously someone lived there before them. The question is who were they? Mum could say in reply exactly when the last occupants left.

You have an interesting premise but the story needs more working on. If you broke it up into paragraphs then it would be easier to read. Then again, paragraphs can merge by mistake when you put a story online, its happened to me.

You raise some important issues regarding peer group pressure and prejudice. Keep practising and you'll improve.

Try writing 'he was proud that I'd been promoted to Principle' or something like that. Her partner already knows she's been promoted and where she works, he probably wouldn't state the obvious. In films and T.V. characters sometimes spell out what they must already know, for the viewer's benefit. In a story you don't need to, you can say that with an inner monologue or, in a first person narration, narrator addressing reader directly.

Try writing 'dad was upstairs working on his computer' rather than 'the computer.' If Mom is in the kitchen working on a computer its a different one than Dad is using.

You portray a child's emotions plausibly, and I like the detail about the spiders webs moving. Perhaps you could've had them find out later if someone died prematurely in the house, or if a previous occupant had a scary experience there.

Could you give us more information on your narrator's background? This is one way

The style of the building reminded me of my chilhood home, though our house was smaller and in town. It stirred memories of my melancholy childhood.

If you want him to have a happier childhood he could think how different the hall is from where he grew up. Either way we would learn a little more about him and it would help us to care about him.

The descriptions of the mountain are good. Perhaps you could've had some banter between the characters. It would establish them as individuals we could root for rathet than all of them thinking alike

You could've made more of your narrator's reaction to the death of his uncle. Did he change his attitude to the beach due to that? If so, did he draw on memories of better times and so begin to enjoy it again? Perhaps he realised that nowhere is ever entirely safe and if the sea hadn't taken his uncle then something else might have.

Not 'too' far away rather than 'not to far away.'

'Blood was seeping into the snow' rather than 'blood was fading into the snow.' It would trickle down rather than turn pale.

Had you described the man flailing trying to retrieve his lost knife before striking back, then the action would've flowed better. You're descriptions of the fight are tense and fast moving, but bear in mind what I've written and you're writing will improve.