United Kingdom • 60 y/oReviews Given
You strike a good balance between crisp, realistic descriptions and a touch of mystery.
If Cal tries to stand up to his mother but she won't stop objecting, that would be more plausible than if he gives in immediately. It creates a bit more tension too.
Credit where its due, you've improved the story since you put an earlier version of it online.
Warm and plausible, well done.
Thanks for sharing it, I found it amusing.
It was tense and convincing.
Just one thing, in Britain the lifeboat would turn out even in a storm. Perhaps its different in Florida on account of storms being more intense, but in Britain people sometimes think they wouldn't launch a lifeboat in a storm, and they do. Even professionals don't always find casualties on dark nights, but they try.
You convey well how, as she grows up a bit, she becomes more aware of a wider world beyond her own home.
With the mushrooms, are you trying to show that she's a nature lover with a deep knowledge of her environment? As to how necessary it is, that depends on whether a deep knowledge of nature is important in a later episode. It also depends on what you and your readers are interested it. We don't all like the same things.
Draco's feelings in this piece are very convincing. It fits well with the original stories. I recall that at the very end of 'Deathly Hallows' Harry glimpses Draco at the station, but while they're not friendly they don't show fear of each other. That being so the bit about him trying to reform fits too.
You could cut 'by any stretch of the imagination' and still convey the essential point. Nonetheless its a good portrayal of a man too proud to ask for help. Our culture puts a lot of pressure on us to be perfect but few if any of us are.