United States • 22 y/oReviews Received
The twist is good and took me by surprise. Just one thing, a twist needs to be prepared for without giving too much away. If your narrator says, while making up, that she seldom gets a chance to relax or have fun it implies that she has a tough job. If as you imply she goes undercover in dangerous situations, it anticipates the twist but holds some information back. Keep it up.
There is more awareness now than there used to be of adolescent mental health issues. Perhaps that will result in young people getting more support. Hold onto that hope.
Draco's feelings in this piece are very convincing. It fits well with the original stories. I recall that at the very end of 'Deathly Hallows' Harry glimpses Draco at the station, but while they're not friendly they don't show fear of each other. That being so the bit about him trying to reform fits too.
Simple, straight to the point. Sounds like shes a great girl :)
Yess maam get it bestiee
That's soo beautiful
I hope things improve for both of you, and soon. It must've taken courage to share this.
In paragraph seven, would it be better if the girl was hugging her doll for comfort rather than playing with it? That seems more plausible given that she's just suffered a terrible loss. A poor family might well have to keep working through the shock but they'd be feeling upset, just having to carry on in spite of that. Keep practising and you'll master that.