United States • 84 y/o • MaleReviews Given
Painted eloquently with words of experience.
There was hope woven into the last sentence which gave this tale credence. The characters were authentic but not enough detail to make me care about them. The story unfolded well. I wanted to know what happened to these folks.
The pace was good but the formatting is not correct - sentences end in strange places, paragraphs are not defined very well. These things cause the reader to stumble and take away from the essence of the tale.
The writing is fluent and very readable. Point of view and tense are defined.
The narrative voice is strong and distinctive. The descriptive setting is adequate. The subject matter is well defined and thought-provoking.
Observation and descriptive efforts are adequate but could be vivid and strong with a little attention to detail.
This story is a diamond in the rough and could be the glittering gem it deserves to be with a little attention to detail. Suggest reading aloud or having it read aloud. This technique brings to the forefront those areas that need attention.
I was unable to review this story properly for several reasons. First, the formatting of the copy is not correct. Sentences break in strange places. I wasn't sure where paragraphs began and ended. The problem could be in the submitting process to 101. If you use Word, you have to dump the data in one of the assigned tabs at the top of the submission form.
There should be a lead-in paragraph identifying the characters. There are names but I didn't know who they were or what their relationship was with each other. 'She' and 'We' are used often but I wasn't sure who they were.
Overall, there appears to be an interesting story from an unusual point of view - the rats. The narrative voice is strong. The setting could use more detail to give the reader a firm perspective of where the tale was taking place.
The characters need more definition. The pace of the story was good. The imagination of the author is excellent.
This story is worth a rewrite and additional attention to detail to bring it into the full flower is deserves.
Ciao, JT
The photo with the lone bird you chose for this piece was perfect. It set the mood before I read word one.
I read the piece twice. Technically it was close to perfect. Several commas missing or misplaced — the bain of every writer. Overall this piece was a good example of a mind wandering through loss. It rambled in the right places, giving it an authentic flavor. It flowed with an even keel to the very end. It was at the end I realized there was something missing. Keep in mind this is just my opinion.
It was that moment of fist-pounding, hair-tearing, glass-breaking, gut- wrenching when the reality of the loss stepped out of the shadows of the narrator's mind and stood naked before her.
The passion of her grief as she expelled the hurt and loss in a rage of tears was missing along with those final moments when she held his bathrobe to her face and inhaled the last of his scent.
That would have been the perfect topping to a good piece of writing.
If it had been there I would have happily given this 100 stars. I hope you will consider a rewrite. This piece is good as is but could be brilliant. Ciao, JT
Excellent wordsmithing.
Very astute
Very well written.
It flowed beautifully.
The story in itself is good, beautiful, insightful, but the addition of 'Aunt' made it so perfect, words fail me.
Ciao
JT