United States • 85 y/o • MaleReviews Given
Outside of the fact that you don't have spellcheck on your computer and that your wound up tighter than a virgin at a prison riot, you have the most wonderful imagination.
I keep thinking how wonderful this would be if it were captured in cartoon animation.
I found it refreshing, a trip to OZ or never never land with a slightly dizzy Peter Pan at the helm.
When they release you from the State Home for the Bewildered, I hope you keep writing more in this genre.
I'm giving you five stars because it is true brilliant.
Ciao, JT
This is a most interesting tale. Not so much for its theme as for the excellent mind that constructed and implemented it. In spite of the sadness and mystery, I felt goodness and hope subtly interwoven at the end. The characters seemed real and authentic, and though I did not identify with them, I was interested in what happened to them.
The plausibility and pace of the tale is due in whole to the author’s impeccable ability with details which did not overburden. The readability was edging on good but I did have to pause and reread the beginning of JENNY. The title alone did not tell me what I needed to know about the text that followed.
The point of view and tense were handled with skill. The style of expression captures the character of the narrator and the tone of this piece.
Observations and descriptions flowed effortlessly creating a vivid and strong setting for this story, evoking the mood and atmosphere intended.
The overall structure of this piece is good, but the punctuation, in particular the comma, is noticeably absent which caused stumbling during the reading. I highly recommend the use of a program entitled GRAMMARLY. It is free on the Internet, with a paid version if so desired. It not only addresses absent and misplaced commas but many other things as well. An indispensable tool for any serious writer.
The importance of this well-told tale deserves five stars but I’m holding back with four stars because of the minor punctuation issues which can easily be rectified. Reading this story aloud will also bring those areas that require attention to the forefront.
Ciao, JT
The first person approach to this story is very interesting. I did not care for the story but found my self compelled to read it. The juxtaposition of the days was well managed. The pace was very good - no wasted moments. The writing and imagery and narrator's voice work well.
As to the structure of this piece - separating the paragraphs will give the piece a more professional appearance. I would suggest the author read this story out loud or have someone read it to them. This method highlights those subtle areas that need attention.
This story is not perfect but could be made so with some attention. I was drawn between three and four stars and gave it the benefit of the doubt if you will with four stars.
Ciao
JT
The only outstanding aspects of this piece are the author's vivid imagination in telling this story and his effortless ability in creating strong settings thus evoking mood and atmosphere. I felt as if I were there witnessing this tale unfold. The style of this author's expression perfectly captures the tone of this story.
In the beginning of this tale I had difficulty in figuring out the connection between the various characters which required a second reading for clarification. Clarification with more detail will assist the reading in recognizing and sailing through this part of the tale.
I did find the lack of paragraph separation distracting and I wondered why the author had not taken care of this simple fask.
The pace was good and held my interest - I wanted to see what was going to happened. I was surprised and disappointed when the end came. The ending was a let down. An opportunity for a great and gripping finale was overlooked for some reason.
Taking all aspects of this author's brilliant storytelling ability, the lack of proper text structure. and the ending which missed the mark, I'm allowing three stars for this piece with the hope that a sincere rewrite will polish this jewel to the status it deserves.
Ciao
JT
It may not, as you say, be your best, but it is the truth behind the words of this story that struck me. A reader can't ask for any more than that.
I'm 78 and deal with this uncompromising urge to write every day. The worst is when the dreaded 'writer's block' prevails. The minutes, and hours, and days drag on and on.
And then, suddenly, I'm writing again and once again there aren't enough hours in the day or days in the week.
I give this five stars for heeding the prodding to get it down on paper. I think of how many jewels are lost because writers do nothing because they don't think it's good enough. I say poppycock - write! and then write some more.
Ciao,
JT
This is the funniest short story I've read in a very long time.
I actually laughed out loud which I rarely do. The last line almost had me rolling on the floor.
It was succinct, I worked in a drug store years ago so the setting came back to mind instantly. I could envision these two people going through this scenario as a matter of fact with no embarrassment whatsoever. Definitely five stars.
Ciao
JT
WOW, what an adventure and in only 8,559 words. The characters in this story are so authentic and engaging I felt I was tagging along with Albert the entire way. The story was so utterly plausible I looked forward to what was going to happen next – always wondering if Albert was going to make out alive or not.
The pace of the tale was perfect throughout. The narrative voice was distinctive and original in all of its various tones. The style of expression perfectly captured every detail. The dialogue of all characters read authentically. The emotional tug of war waged inside Albert's head had me hanging on tenterhooks.
But it was the author’s power of observation and description which took this tale out of the ordinary and elevated it into the extraordinary. It evoked the ever changing mood and atmosphere as we traveled from the beginning to the end. I was out of breath when Albert finally fell into the hands of his brothers.
The structure, punctuation, spelling - everything is at should be. Five stars hardly seems adequate for this beautiful piece of writing.
Ciao, JT
WOW - for fifteen years old, this author does and amazing job. The story feels utterly plausible. The writing is fluent and readable. The vocabulary is varied and appropriate. The style of expression perfectly captures the narrator's tone. This author is a good storyteller and should do well if they pursue a writing career.
The structure of this piece is not quite what it should be. The author needs to read this piece aloud or have it read. Those areas that need attention will show up. There are too may words that run together and need to be spaced properly. Proofing is the bane of a writer's life but it is something that needs to be acquired for success. I'm giving this piece 3 stars. It deserves 4 except for the housecleaning that needs to be done. Good job - keep writing, Ciao, JT