United States • 85 y/o • MaleReviews Given
This piece is another jewel from a mind that sees far beyond the pall of the mundane. The pace necessary to enjoy its perfection is interrupted a number of times through no fault of the writer. The fault lies in the language limitations one faces in bringing ethereal observations to the written word.
After several readings it becomes obvious that nature is far better equipped to communicate within its realm than humans are within theirs.
The last paragraphs of the combatant is the most compelling and damning indictment to our so-called civilization of today. It is a clear mandate that we had better change our ways, using nature as a guide, before we disappear in the rubble of our own making.
Nitpicking: I nitpick because of the tiny things that imped the perfect flow of words. Some may say they are insignificant and should be overlooked. I say a flaw in a diamond is a flaw in a diamond.
Key: NN= not necessary
Unevenness of paragraph separation is distracting. I thought at first there might be a reason for this but discovered none.
The trees give way, so [that](NN) the seedlings grow sheltered ---
It reacts to emotions, and transforms its cleansing skills through sentience of others.---
SENTIENCE is not a familiar word to the average reader. It becomes a stumbling block to the pace of the piece. The East and West look at this word in different ways, i.e. distinction between thinking and feeling versus respect and care. I’m not certain either definition is applicable to this sentence. The author needs to clarify.
the whiff of body odor, their contentment. –
body odor is the wrong term for the meaning intended. Body odor to the western mind is an odor produced by uncleanliness. I believe the author is referring to the natural scent lovers produce by their individual pheromones. Using the word scent or one similar will clarify the sentence.
Their thoughts glided through the winds, the serenity of touch anchored their feelings. –
The word glided is correct but is seems too modular. I’m thinking the word wafted may enhance the flow of the sentence.
would chuckle in anticipation;
I don’t know that a child is capable of chuckling. He certainly would squeal with joy in this instance.
except fling onto the bed and stay
This is correct, however, except fling herself onto the bed -- may be smoother.
In-fact – hyphen not necessary
Five stars is totally inadequate for this pinnacle of truth.
Ciao, JT
This piece cannot be quickly read – that is a certainty. To do so is to miss the layer upon layer of meaning collected in simple phrasing. For those readers with inner eyes and ears, listen and observe carefully to what is offered or you will miss a treasure.
I question the use of the word ‘savior.’ I sense the Absolute skillfully weaving its way through the yin, yang, and twilight zones we all travel through on our way to perfection.
When the soul reaches perfection, it has perfect recall of all life experiences. The 822 words contained herein testify to that truth. The author will laugh and disagree as well he should, nevertheless.
A little nit-picking:
Their faces may be haggard, but their (they) carry an inner calmness.
Over the eons, I have leant (learnt) another secret about them.
I give it five stars which hardly seems adequate.
Ciao
JT
When I saw the word GHOST in the title, I thought something scary was about to happen. But, of course, that is not what this tale is about. It's a visitation from those who have stepped back through the veil to comfort those who remain on this plane of existence.
It is not an unlikely event and should be cherished for its intent. The story was told in a simple matter-of-fact manner which added to it's charm.
i would suggest the author read the tale aloud or have someone read it for them. This will highlight a few areas that require the writer's attention.
Other than that, the voice of the narrator perfectly captures the character of this piece. The pace of the story is very good. The structure needs a little attention - reading the story aloud will assist in polishing that aspect.
The writing is fluent and readable. Images are quite plausible Observations and descriptions are effortless and create a vivid setting, evoking mood and atmosphere.
This is a very pleasant and charming piece of writing.
Ciao
JT
This story has all the elements of an interesting tale. However, it appears more of an outline than a finished story. Misspelled words and lack of punctuation substantiate that conclusion.
I would highly recommend that the author of this piece read it aloud or have it read to them in order to obtain an overall idea of what needs to be done to bring this tale up to a readable level it so richly deserves.
The author has a talent for story telling and should exercise that talent in order to develop it to its fullest capabilities.
Ciao
JT
I didn't like this story but it was so obvious the author is an excellent story teller, I continued to read to the end. I laughed out loud when this old lady mentioned her birth year - 1950. I was born in 1939 and I'm having the time of my life writing.
The narrator's style and tone perfectly captured the character of this story. This author's descriptive powers are excellent and added realism and authenticity to the story. The pace was very good, there were no bogged down areas. The structure, though strong, wobbled a little here and there but not enough to distract the reader.
The writing is fluent and readable. Images were clear and recognizable.
I hesitated from giving this story five stars because it lacked the joie de vivre which could easily have been included with the proper perspective of life. Risk is what life is all about and this character took risks but regretted them.
Ciao
JT
This is a charming piece which, at first, I thought appropriate for a young child. A type of fairy tale if you will. But, as I read on, I changed my mind. It’s all-age appropriate and a lesson for all of us to be more cognizant and appreciative of our surrounds not only of flora and fauna but also, and probably more importantly — folks around us.
The pace and structure of this delightfully fresh metaphor is as close to perfect as I believe possible.
The writing is fluent and readable.
This sentence caused me to pause: The sapling never noticed the shadow of hollowed, reflective look in the eyes of the tree. I know the meaning of those words but the combination in this setting left me wondering.
The narrative voice perfectly captures the two characters. Descriptions effortlessly create a vivid and strong setting.
A little nit picking on my part . . .
Somewhere there are two ?? I'm of the mind that one is sufficent.
One word needs correcting in this paragraph:
In-fact her nights were still dark and petrifying, but she had noticed his dead braches during the days, and knew it was too heavy a price for the tree to pay.
There also is one “ somewhere which seems out of place - should be changed to ‘.
The poetry in writing is the illusion it creates.
The Sampling and the Tree fits perfection with this quote.
Ciao,
JT
This was a teaser — I had to think about it and finally came to the conclusion that Dr. Yolanda Henshaw is actually the patient and has somehow commandeered a syringe filled with who knows what.
This piece is almost perfect: 2nd paragraph ‘gotta to’ needs to be changed to either ‘gotta know how’ or ‘got to know how.’
10th paragraph – omit the ‘I say.’ At the end of the paragraph – not necessary. The reader knows who’s speaking.
The characters are authentic and engaging — I cared what happened to them.
The story is plausible, the pace is good. The writing is fluent and readable. This author has an excellent imagination for storytelling. The narrative voice captures the characters.
The dialogue reads like authentic speech. Descriptions are effortless and create a vivid and strong setting, evoking mood and atmosphere.
This is an interesting tale. The characters are authentic and engaging. Their thoughts and feelings make them real. I found myself caring about what happened to them.
The story retained my interest as it progressed. The writing is readable, the vocabulary being varied. The style of expression captures the character perfectly. The author's descriptive ability is evident in the vivid and strong settings evoking mood and atmosphere.
The pace is a little uneven. I would suggest the author read this story out loud or have it read by a friend. This will bring those areas that need work to the author's attention.
This is a good story and with editing and rewriting it will give this jewel the sparkle it deserves.