United States • 24 y/o • FemaleReviews Received
My mother passed away when I was in my 50s and that was hard enough. It must be worse loosing her when very young yourself. I've learned to get by without her, it took time and help from friends but it can be done. Its hard but possible. I hope you come to terms with your loss.
Usually I have a speech written out when I comment on your works. This time I don't.
Not that I don't have words for you, but I believe that music can be the messenger - it's certainly stronger and more unique when put up against my words.
Two songs came to mind when I read your work.
I hope you take a listen to and find what you are looking for and encapture it in yourself.
Queensryche - Someone Else?
Glenmore - Take On A Shining Star
The emotion was iterated clear and strong but the formatting of it as a whole made it a little painful to read. Overall a nice poem though.
Despairing story, but great and touching!
The glass metephore is a good one.
Not too shabby. Not too shabby.
For structure it is pretty good. Have the description of glass and the variations of each shattered piece in a unique and humanistic way.
I sense that it could be more concise. To get the words to stick some lines could be shortened such as an example,
"Some are bright and warm and happy
Some are alive, some are dead"
It could be,
"Some bright, warm, happy
Some alive, dead"
I think that would age well making it shorter with no filler or extra words.
To your point imaging yourself as shattered glass, along with the last two lines, it's relatable to the masses. Feeling useless ourself, but useful for others. Maybe we serve our purpose to serve others and not ourselves. Maybe we desire the want of approval from others, but tear ourselves down. Maybe we see more faith in others for the unknown compared to one's self?
See and hear it all the time. Stories of those who have fallen in despair and wretchedness in society, but still lend grace and help to those in need. It doesn't even have to be drastic. Just donating a couple of bucks when we/you are in a financial bind or volunteering at a food pantry is a difference of help.
So why help others when one's self could be or is lost?
Makes you feel good? Think good karma is on the way? Gain attention and approval? Make the world a lively place? Respect for others? Been in a similar situation?
I'm not sure. It's not for me to say. But I'm sure the individual doing such has a clearer answer.