lemonslice

I like that you begin the story right away and inject tension from the very first line. However, make sure that you spellcheck your writing before submitting it.

Your piece comes across as a lazy effort when you don't adhere to basic grammar, spelling, and punctuation rules. Please use proper paragraphing too.

Is there a particular reason why this is written in bold? Numerous punctuation and spelling errors make the text hard to read. I also suggest you use paragraphs where necessary.

This isn't a story though.

Great attempt for your first try!

I do recommend, however, that you look at dialogue punctuation and tense changes. You must stick to the same tense throughout the story and not switch between past and present.

Sorry, Matthew, but this is dire. You need to adhere to common grammar and punctuation rules if you want people to take your writing seriously.

Not sure what you're trying to say with this piece. It's too short and disjointed at the moment.

You've obviously decided to ignore the submission guidelines. Bad form.