lemonslice

Hi there,

I like how you depicted the relationship between characters. There's something there that you can work with when you revise this piece.

A lot of things in the dialogue, for example, can be cut. A good rule of thumb is that if anything said doesn't move the story or the characters forwards then it shouldn't be there. And you've got lots of chit-chat going on.

The other thing about your dialogue is its punctuation. SO many writers don't seem to understand how to punctuate dialogue and it just becomes a mess. Read up and study good dialogue closely, because I think you've got a hidden talent for it. Read a lot of books in the genre you write and you'll see what tips and tricks you can use in your own writing.

I thought you had some really cool things included here, particularly starting in medias res. But it also reads just like any other on-the-rails zombie story, right? Am I missing something here?

And what does the "cleansing" sign mean? Because that is obviously not something our POV can know anything about, which means you're breaking POV every time you add that sign. You're writing in close 3rd, remember.

Why is it important for the reader to know how many thousands/millions of people die? That's kinda understood if it's an apocalypse, right?

It's a rookie mistake to use sweeping big picture descriptions during large battles and world-changing events in prose. Just focus on our main character and let everything else come naturally. Your writing is pretty good, have more confidence in yourself.

Keep up the writing!

Sad and hopeless and depressing. Why not write something to make you feel better instead?

Interesting vignette. Read up on how dialogue punctuation works in fiction because it's incorrect here.

While your poem isn't "bad", I just felt it to be somewhat rushed. It doesn't invoke any particular emotions or imagery in me. You've also got a typo on the penultimate line.

Your writing has come leaps and bounds from when I read your first submissions. I still think you need to stop rushing when you write. You also need to look at dialogue punctuation. This is how it works:

"I love you," he said. <- A comma when using dialogue tag (said).
"I love you." He embraced me. <- Capital letter and period when using an action tag (embrace).

This is still a vignette and not a whole story. But it's always good practice so keep it up!

Funny story. :)

Remember to write out numbers with letters instead. Especially if it's anything lower than a hundred.

I liked the twist but I disliked the use of the adverb in "yells loudly". How do you yell "silently"?