United Kingdom • 46 y/o • MaleReviews Given
Why are you posting this when it's not the full thing? It's not a story now.
Also, watch the tense shifts and punctuation.
Hi Fate,
I appreciate the honest emotions you've put into the story so far.
However, it's considered cliché (and it's just bad writing) to include a character waking up and go through the morning chores i.e showering. Try and go into the actual story as quickly as you can and let those boring parts be left out. You've got a good feeling for writing. Keep it up!
Not friends with Robert Rankin, are you? :)
Sorry, this is absolutely unreadable.
This is unreadable, mate. Please revise your work before submitting it for people to read. You only come off as lazy and disrespectful when you post it this way.
Lots of emotions and tension in so few words. Well done!
When a piece is this short, however, you need to make sure every word is pulling its weight. Currently, they don't, but it's definitely a good effort.
I think you have good bones for a plot here, but you're rushing it too much. I think you're skipping through vital parts of the narrative and the 1st person POV doesn't work here at all for me. As a result, the ending becomes a tired fizzle when it should sparkle.
Also make sure that you understand how proper dialogue punctuation works. It makes your writing look unpolished and lazy when it's consistently incorrect. Keep writing!
You've got some good stuff there, but I think your poor grammar and punctuation lets your story down. It also takes too long until anything significant happens.