United Kingdom • 46 y/o • MaleReviews Given
Funny story. :)
Remember to write out numbers with letters instead. Especially if it's anything lower than a hundred.
This is very sad, but it's not a full story yet. Your writing feels rushed and is incorrectly formatted too.
Interesting vignette but there are quite a few errors here, especially in terms of dialogue punctuation and grammar. I also wonder what the point of this vignette is. What are you trying to say with it? You're dedicating two paragraphs to your narrator seeing strange lights, which obviously makes the reader curious. And then you just end the whole thing saying that no one ever found out what it was. I feel cheated.
I liked the twist but I disliked the use of the adverb in "yells loudly". How do you yell "silently"?
This isn't a story, first of all, it's an attempt at a poem.
The problem I have is that it doesn't invoke any imagery or emotions for me. They're just statements that might mean something to you.
I like how you formatted the poem, but the words didn't invoke anything for me. I didn't feel anything. Take this line for example:
"I burn like ashes"
What does that even mean? Do ashes burn?
A line like "I often think of death" could be made much more visceral, making the reader feel something rather than just read a simple statement.
Funny vignette. The trick to writing excellent flash fiction is to cut out all the pleasantries when characters talk. So the "Hello, how are you?" dialogue has to go every time. Also, make sure you don't start with a dialogue without letting the reader know who's talking.
Keep it up!
You've got two poignant, but very loose, ideas that I can't see the logical connection between.
It's another vignette rather than an attempt at a real story. I would like you to think about writing a full story instead, using the basic elements of storytelling (motivation, obstacles, protagonist, antagonist, conflict) instead of just cobbling together random ideas that don't amount to anything much. This is good for your own records and practice, but not for others to read.