United States • 21 y/o • MaleReviews Given
It's brave to share this opinion. Looking at the reviews is kind of funny because most of them are people agreeing with you, and those reviews are downvoted to -4 or some such number, and it just amuses me that they're completely silent but still feel spiteful and angry enough to do that.
Guys, if you're reading this, just learn to deal with other people having and expressing opinions that are different than yours.
Literal perfection, this.
Very nice. Very punchy writing, communicates the fear very well. The one thing I noticed was the part near the beginning when it talks about diving under the covers as quickly as possible, I would just say they dived, the context of the dive communicates the panic perfectly already. Dives are never slow, after all. :)
Anyway, I really like it. Especially the first half, it felt very fresh and clear.
Two tiny things I noticed that can be easily fixed: the part where it says "instead of responding, she drew in a breath" (or something like that) is directly followed by her responding, and it made me confused about who was talking. I would recommend cutting out the "Instead of.. "part and keeping the breath. I liked the breath part.
Second.... Actually that's the only complaint i have.
WHERE IS THE REST OF THE STORY? The dialogue is magical. These characters have character and charm, and I only get to read about them for literally one minute? Your description of the setting is delightful as well! Thoroughly enjoyed it
I really don't know how to critique poetry...
This is phenomenal. I can't remember reading anything so captivating and tragic. This story went places I didn't expect, and I'm just sitting here stunned because this idea is so good.
The one, ONE thing that I think could use some work is your sentence length; there could be a few more short sentences. (but personally I feel like the longer, continuous sentences create a sense of helpless repetition that suits the story perfectly.)
Anyway, I love this so much.
The question here is.... what is actually too late? What defines that?
I LOVE THIS STORY
I really relate to this. I love it. One thing that might be better is if instead of "I then say I'm sorry" it says "you listen as I say I'm sorry" because I feel like most of this poem is directed to "you". Most lines start with "you" and so on and so forth. So continuing with that seems more natural.
Still, I love the emotions behind this.