United Kingdom • 63 y/o • MaleReviews Given
Yet ANOTHER tiresome and boring story on the subject of teen suicide. This topic has been (if you'll excuse the pun!) done to death already. Sure, it's a slightly different slant on the genre, but it's still a teen suicide story.
You can write, no doubt about that. PLEASE try something that hasn't already been done a thousand times before next time?
What should have been a pleasure to read was spoiled because the story is riddled with spelling and grammatical mistakes.
Take time to CHECK your work before submitting it. Your computer has spell-check and thesaurus facilities: use them!
On the plus side, there is a budding story-teller in you. Iron-out the clumsiness - and laziness! - and you will become a fine writer.
Rather than submit non-original work, I would much rather read something YOU wrote.
What should have been an interesting and entertaining read turned into a test of patience and temper. Your annoying practice of running one sentence into the next without pause or punctuation is an extremely bad habit that needs rectifying immediately!
One of the site's submission guidelines is that you do not use slang or colloquialisms, something you chose to ignore (the word 'gander' crops up I noted...) This spoils your writing and alienates readers who may not know what the words mean. Please don't do it. At the same time CHECK that YOU know the meaning of words before you use them: the word 'conferred' is not the right word in your Dream 7 story. The word you needed is 'committed'.
I suggest that you learn how to present your stories in a manner that makes them more readable and accessible to all. As presented they are clumsy and not very pleasant to read, which is a pity as you have some story-telling talent. You just need to take your time, think about what you're doing and what you want to say and how you want to present it. You will become a better writer for doing so...
Yet another tiresome ten suicide story, albeit told in slightly different manner.
As such, though, it's not a bad story. There are faults with it, but nothing too serious. I only wish you had turned your skills to a more entertaining and original theme than this boring and overdone one!
One last thought: do YOU really believe that this story is suitable for kids as young as twelve years old? I suggest that you change the age category to at least 15+
Please re-read the sites Submission Guidelines again and edit your story accordingly. As is stands this submission falls a long way short of the guidelines...
From the very first word - Abbey - I was disappointed. Your spelling is inaccurate: the usual abbreviation of the name Abigail (which I'm assuming is what was intended) is either Abby or Abbi. Your spelling refers to a religious building!
In the first three sentences you use the word 'job' three times. This is clumsy writing and poorly thought through. It jars badly when reading the paragraph.
That discordant theme runs right through your story: it's all a little 'clunky' and not very well explained or set out. It feels like you had an idea (and, I hasten to add, not an original one, either!) but didn't really know how to put it to paper. The result is an unsatisfying 'taster' that doesn't fulfil its promise.
There IS the germ of a good story here, but it needs a lot of work and thought to bring it to full fruition.
Your few words have no real impact or relevance. I fail to grasp what point you were (presumably) trying to make.
This reads like the whining of a bratty child who cannot get her own way and not what you claim: the true feelings of a teenage girl.
Other's have presented similar works and done a much better job of it. This really is not good.