Andy (Formerly Apemann)

Clumsy spelling and punctuation errors spoil this a little. However, you write well - with passion and intensity - which is to be applauded. Please take the time to double-check your work before submitting in future :-)

There is the basis here for a good story. Unfortunately you have not really told it very well. The scenes are clichéd and the dialogue stilted. There is little natural 'flow' to the story. You move from one idea or scenario with little in the way of explanation, which gives the story a somewhat 'clunky' feel.

You have also failed to follow the submission guidelines; the use of numerals in prose is very bad practice, yet there are numerous examples in your story. Number references should always be written in full: twelve years old, three-thirty, nine-one-one, for example.

Take time to check your spelling: "she manages not to hit another care..." would not be picked-up by your spell checker.

There is much to recommend in your story; at the same time it has many flaws. You write well but need to practice your art more - and to read more to get a better feel of how a story flows.

I fear you may alienate more than you'll draw in with this piece. Religion is always a contentious subject and seemingly ramming your beliefs down the throats of your readers is not a good means by which to endear yourself. There are other, more subtle but equally effective ways of putting your message across without being so bullish about it.

Your verbosity at times gets in the way of your story-telling. There are parts of this tale that are tortuous to read due to the sheer number of words you have crammed into a sentence! It is all very well demonstrating your extensive vocabulary... but when it's to the detriment of your work you have gained nothing. I urge you to just TELL YOUR STORY and keep the linguistic gymnastics to a minimum. You will be a much better writer for it.

This is getting better :-) It's not perfect, but it IS a big improvement on previous submissions.

Take care with your punctuation: Burger King should be capitalised, for instance. Also, you are using too many commas where a full-stop (or even a colon) might be more appropriate.

These are minor issues, however. The story is coming along well - although I still believe you can afford to submit longer parts...

There is a certain pleasing quality about your story-telling prowess, which is quasi-Victorian in style. Unfortunately your erratic punctuation and mind-boggling looseness with the principal character's name undermines much of what you are trying to achieve. Coupled with the rather overwhelming length of the opening couple of paragraphs of your story and your reader is left with a scary challenge to continue with your story. Personally, after the first couple of paragraphs I lost interest somewhat.

You need to introduce your main character by his FULL name from the off. It is disconcerting as a reader to initially meet "Mister Gray" and a few sentences later be confronted with "Peter Gray". This is clumsy writing and needs to be redressed.

Some of your punctuation is baffling. Inserting colons, semi-colons and commas in what appears to be random places throws-out the flow of the piece, making it much harder as a reader to really engage with the story of the characters. The somewhat 'stop-start' feel of your writing is uncomfortable to read in places. If you read your own work out loud you will gain a greater insight into how it actually reads. It's a useful technique to employ when trying to learn whether what you've written actually makes sense.

Edit you story into shorter paragraphs. Shorter 'bite-size' paragraphs are more easily digested and absorbed than long rambling ones. In addition any dialogue should preferably be written separately to the body of the paragraph.

You have talent, that much is clear. You also have some bad habits that with advice and guidance you can easily overcome. Keep writing!

I do wish you would CHECK your work before submitting it! There are numerous spelling mistakes in this piece, which are unforgivable as it is unnecessary. You spoil your work through your laziness. Make the effort to use the spell-check facility on your computer!

On the whole you write well and entertain. You are often better than the work you submit. This piece is not your finest hour, neither is it your worst.

A very thoughtful few lines. Well done :-)