Andy (Formerly Apemann)

Given that you told most of your story in your introduction I didn't feel that it was necessary for me to read the actual story. Please read my piece 'How to Write a Teaser'. It will be of benefit to you...

Your story sends a strong moral message in an interesting and engaging manner that does not patronise your reader. That is to your credit.

There are some grammar and punctuation errors that need correcting, which your computer's spell-checker and thesaurus will help with.

Overall a good piece. I look forward to reading more from you soon :-)

Yet another tiresome ten suicide story, albeit told in slightly different manner.

As such, though, it's not a bad story. There are faults with it, but nothing too serious. I only wish you had turned your skills to a more entertaining and original theme than this boring and overdone one!

One last thought: do YOU really believe that this story is suitable for kids as young as twelve years old? I suggest that you change the age category to at least 15+

What should have been an interesting and entertaining read turned into a test of patience and temper. Your annoying practice of running one sentence into the next without pause or punctuation is an extremely bad habit that needs rectifying immediately!

One of the site's submission guidelines is that you do not use slang or colloquialisms, something you chose to ignore (the word 'gander' crops up I noted...) This spoils your writing and alienates readers who may not know what the words mean. Please don't do it. At the same time CHECK that YOU know the meaning of words before you use them: the word 'conferred' is not the right word in your Dream 7 story. The word you needed is 'committed'.

I suggest that you learn how to present your stories in a manner that makes them more readable and accessible to all. As presented they are clumsy and not very pleasant to read, which is a pity as you have some story-telling talent. You just need to take your time, think about what you're doing and what you want to say and how you want to present it. You will become a better writer for doing so...

An interesting concept which has been executed quite well. I am disappointed, though, that you failed to follow our submission guidelines with regard to numerals (see point three). Overall a creditable effort. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future. :-)

There is a good story here fighting to get out. Unfortunately you have burdened it with some clumsy phraseology, poor grammar and spelling. This is a story that needed some judicious editing before it was submitted for publication. Do keep writing, but take more care with the words you use and the way in which you use them. You have talent, but it needs careful honing to bring it to its full potential.

I'm not really sure what to make of your poem. Not that it's bad, because it isn't. It's just..., well... ODD :-) It doesn't seem to fit any conventional poetry style, which is no bad thing either. Ah well, there's nothing wrong in being different - and this poem is certainly that!

Although this 'story' has been approved for publication it is not rally what the site was set up for. However, as there already similar works published it would not be fair to reject your work. I must, though, make you aware that future works in a similar vein or theme will not be accepted. One further note: please read my piece 'How to Write a Teaser'. It might prove helpful to you...

A good, confident beginning for a novice writer. I hope to read more from you :-)

BTW: the BRIEF description of the story section is meant as just that - a few words about the story. There is no need to go into as much detail as you have.