Andy (Formerly Apemann)

I quite liked the premise of your story. However, I found the unnecessary time references off-putting and the rather clunky "she goes" and "she comes" and so on also jarred. There are many good points to your story: I hope you will submit more of your work soon.

I feel your writing talent is being misdirected. Clearly you have a headful of stories that you would like to tell. With some guidance and advice you could become a good writer. In order to do so, though, you need to take more care with your writing and to pay more attention to detail. Much of what you write is good, but it is spoiled by a rather slap-dash approach. I would like to see your stories being praised for their content AND presentation - and I'll be the lead cheerleader when they are :-)

A good fun read. Thank you!

You won't thank me for saying so, but, really, it is not the end of the world at your age. It only feels like it :-) Every single person who reads your poem will have gone through - or will go through - what you are feeling. It's a painful but necessary part of growing up and learning about life.

I echo what Entangled Fate advised you: enjoy being young; go out and have fun. There is time enough to fall in love and endure all that that brings!

A nice poem with your feeling expressed well.

An interesting idea that needs considerably more work to make it into a great story. The whole idea was too big to condense into so few words, which gives your story a somewhat rushed and unfinished feel. However, a good effort nonetheless.

I very much look forward to reading more from you in due course.

The problem I feel with your story is that it all feels a little rushed: as if you have tried to get all of your ideas on paper before you forget them. This leaves some of your scenes a little 'light' in content, leaving the reader having to fill in a lot of the gaps. A little more time taken to flesh-out parts of your story will improve it immeasurably.

On the whole, though, there is the basis here of a good series of stories. I would like to see you trust your story-telling talent more than you do at present to tell a really great story :-)

There are big plusses in your story and some small negatives (in my opinion), but overall an interesting and engaging story. Personally I found the clichéd, nineteen-thirties/forties style of speech a bit old-fashioned and unoriginal.

Overall, a creditable effort and I'll certainly be looking out for more of your work :-)

An entertaining read spoiled by the frequent and unnecessary use of bold font (the same effect can be gained from using italics). Overall, though, good fun, reminiscent of the detective novels of the 1930s.