United Kingdom • 63 y/o • MaleReviews Given
I found the semi-religious undertone to this story somewhat off-putting, especially the 'preachy' last three paragraphs. They were annoying and unnecessary.
Overall, though, a nicely thought-through story told quite well. A creditable effort!
A surprisingly poignant and hard-hitting story which is well told. A very good job overall. Sure, there are one or two minor errors in spelling and grammar, but nothing that seriously detracts from the story. Well done!
To be honest your 'story' is not yet a story at all. There seems to be very little point to the thing. You've managed to say almost nothing in 256 words, so what was the point? There are barely enough words here to truly engage your reader. Short so-called chapters like this are a waste of time. Why not wait until you have a significant amount of work ready to submit instead of messing around like this?
I KNOW this is harsh, but it needs to be. In spite of my criticisms above you DO have a nice writing style. The problem is that you're wasting it on nonsense like this. If you are going to write a story then GIVE us a story, not this sort of fluff. You are better than this effort, I'm sure of it.
BTW: try to not give quite so much info in your intro to your work. You almost tell the whole story, which is not the idea. The key word in that section is BRIEF.
Unfortunately, due to the sheer weight of punctuation and spelling errors in this piece, I was unable to read it through. It was too annoying!
I get so fed-up with people who cannot be bothered to take a couple of extra minutes to DOUBLE-CHECK their work or run spell-checker BEFORE submitting it. It is laziness, pure and simple.
If YOU do not take your work seriously then why should I or anybody else??
This piece needs a serious edit! I counted the work 'park' FIVE times in the first two paragraphs! That is just plain bad writing I'm afraid. I gave up on your story at that point as it did not seem worthwhile continuing.
Please CHECK your work before submitting it. Get someone to read it and give you honest feedback, but most importantly CARE about it. If you don't, why should anybody else??
This feels incomplete. There is something here, for sure, but in its present form whatever 'it' is isn't there yet. You have aimed for an air of mystery but have ended-up with something that is neither mysterious or satisfying. If anything, it's frustrating :-)
Not your best effort; however the language, imagery and wording is very good. I wonder if this might perhaps have worked better as a poem..?
Not too bad, although I would have liked a bit more to-and-fro dialogue between to the two characters. The very long 'speech' in the third paragraph sounds a little evangelical; 'preachy', even. If it had been broken-up with a couple of interjections from the other person it would have smoothed the edges a little without diluting your message (which is well put!)
A good effort. Well done! :-)
Simple, heartfelt and so typically you!
Nice one, hon...