United States • 21 y/o • MaleReviews Received
I liked the idea behind this story! A lot of times the story is about a series of tasks that a young man has to do in order to win the lady's hand in marriage, often organized by her father, then an unlikely candidate presents himself and succeeds. So it was intriguing that the young women was directly involved with the challenge and probably initiated it herself which means she honestly wanted to get married, but also wanted to find someone who was willing to work for her hand as well as demonstrate promise of a loving and compassionate relationship.
So, yeah. This was super interesting! Good job!
You are such a goofball, Bryce...... but I did really enjoy the story. I shall give you........ 4 stars and a funny review! LOL
I love the way you have a way to reach out to the audience.
Wow, just wow
This made me cry!
Like it, but I think it should be a bit more intriguing.
Arite, so there's lots to discus. The prophecy thing at the beginning is very specific, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Just something to consider.
I'll ignore grammatical errors for now, because they aren't that important at this stage.
So.
Pacing.
This chapter is wild. Between his dream, finding magical powers, and his father's death, there's a lot like a LOT happening here.
The dream thing is fine. I've never really liked that kind of scene a whole lot, but it's fine.
The waking scene where he attacks a demon is more problematic. Firstly, we know nothing about this kid. So why is a demon's master commanding that he be kept alive? Why is he that important? Prophecy, probably, but why HIM for the prophecy? Moving on. Why did the kid attack the demon? He doesn't think he has powers, so why he goin round putting his hand out? Maybe, to solve this issue, you could put his wind magic stuff in his dream. If the dream isn't a normal kind, then it would make some sense. You could have him see himself attack a demon in his dream (by sticking his hand out, I guess) and then, as the demon turns to go he could be like "stupid demon, he's bigger than me, but I can't do a thing about it. Oh hey, in my dream...." then boom, demon gets angry, and departs, leaving a startled human behind.
Now. Character deaths.
We have absolutely no reason to care about this father. His death is basically pointless. Like, if he's only dying so that the main character won't be able to ask him questions and stuff and will have to go on a quest to get answers, then that's an issue. Also, the way he died was more funny than sad. He just coughed, then died. So, really ponder whether this death adds anything yo the story that would be impossible to do with the dad alive. Living characters are more interesting, after all.
My biggest problem with this chapter is that we've seen nothing about the main character that makes him unique. He hasn't had time to show us what his personality is like between these plot points.
I want a character I can root for, and believe in. He doesn't have to be perfect--in fact, he should be flawed. But you've gotta show us these events in a way that wouldn't be exactly the same from someone else's point of view. Show us how HE sees these things, not just the things. His father died, but was it his kind father? His invalid father? His abusive, secretive father?
Also, just, space these things apart a little. Give us the death in chapter five or something. I'm just here, considering what the relationship between humans and demons is like. Are they part of the same society? If so, do they get along? Do humans even know they exist? Are they actual demons, or is that perhaps just how humans have been taught to see them?
I'm going to end this review now, because it's super long. But you better tell me when the next part is released, because I want to read it. Hopefully this feedback is useful, too!