United States • 29 y/o • FemaleReviews Received
Hi Fate,
I appreciate the honest emotions you've put into the story so far.
However, it's considered cliché (and it's just bad writing) to include a character waking up and go through the morning chores i.e showering. Try and go into the actual story as quickly as you can and let those boring parts be left out. You've got a good feeling for writing. Keep it up!
I loved the idea behind this story, but it is a tad confusing in places. It would have helped immensely if you had separated the dialogue in to separate lines to make identifying who was speaking easier.
Calling your lead character 'big brother', whilst kind-of cute, doesn't really work for me. I would have preferred he had a name.
Overall, a good story. :-)
I like the idea and concept behind this work. Clearly this is something you put a great deal of thought into. Lovely!
I don't know why but I really find this story attracting and interesting; it's actually the first story I read here.
At first I thought this one in going to be a heartbreaking story, but it turns out to be 'I-can-relate' story--those occurrences which happen all the time when writing something, ugh, those are just... fantastically true. This is a nice piece of work!
Really enjoyed reading the first chapter of your story :)
Nice writing. The story has a good flow to it after a slightly unsteady start. Hopefully we'll get to read more about these young characters :-)
Good job, i love how you showed insomnia materializing because sometimes that really is how it feels. I did end up kind of wondering what the real Leonard said though?
Very real. As someone whose familiar with this, I appreciate how you expressed that the person was tricked rather than too caught up in something else, as many stories on this topic often do. Your structure, elongated with the sweet parts and short with the dark parts, expresses many different things in itself. Nice job