United Kingdom • 60 y/oReviews Given
I like this piece, your descriptions are vivid and the climax is a dtamatic twist. The relationship between the pets rings true.
This reminds me of what the vicar said at my father's funeral. He said this goodbye is different from all the others but don't forget see you as in see you later. Not everyone will agree but he meant well and i took it as it was meant.
You evokr the setting very well. I could imagine myself there.
Considering how young you are, you evoke nostalga very well.
I think Holmes would be assessing the potential spy in more detail. What about this for an inner monalogue.
I did not stare back as I wanted him to think I had not noticed him. Instead I looked out across the street several times, but never for long and always pretending something or someone else had caught my attention. How I hoped that he would move and give something about himself away. If he moved with the ease of a younger man that would indicate a disguise. Perhaps some other clue would emerge. To my frustration he did nothing that might give anything away.
You start well, evoking sound as well as sight. Let me make a suggestion about the ending.
If they nearly get trapped in the house but break out with difficulty it adds to the tension, If the door was jammed and couldn't be opened but they broke through with an effort or scrambled out through a window, that would add excitement. You say 'receding into the forest.' If someone else is watching you leave you're receding from their point of view. From your own point of view you're pushing through the forest.
I hope this helps and you continue writing. You'll improve with practice and advice.
Short though it is, a lot of people will relate to it.
You have some vivid metephores and the final sentence is certainly true.