United Kingdom • 26 y/o • FemaleReviews Received
Your prose is quite good, Kaleigh, but you don't have a story here. This is a scene from, I presume, a much larger work or a simple vignette.
It's not a bad start, Kaleigh, although it's not a full story arc yet, or did the protagonist actually die at the end? In that case, how is she able to tell us the story?
One thing to be wary of is giving a laundry list of descriptions. It slows down the pace and actually removes tension from the narrative. Be mindful of tense changes, they make or break a story.
Keep on writing!
I would prefer if you actually wrote a finished story instead of posting these excerpts and vignettes. Your first paragraph is an excellent hook, but the rest is just repetition of the same idea without anything really happening.
I'm with Lemonslice here. I've mentioned before the 'incomplete' feeling of your works and this is yet another example. It's become tiresome as there is absolutely no need for it.
Yes, there is a limit to the NUMBER of items you can post at any one time. However, there is no limit on the LENGTH of what you post... Instead of posting piecemeal items, why not wait until you have a substantial chunk of a story to tell instead, rather like my 'Going Away' series? Each chapter is around 2000 words long, instead of the wasteful couple of hundred words you keep posting. Give yourself the opportunity to produce the best work you can.
You continually let yourself down and it's annoying because you are better than the stuff you post. PLEASE take more time and more care in what you submit. Other's will praise you to the hilt because that's what they choose to do. Realists will tell you the truth and give you advice, because that's more honest and helpful.
Again, your choice to ignore another of the submission guidelines (that of using slang and colloquialisms) in your work rankles. You are better than some of the work you submit. Using cheap 'kop-outs' (such as 'kiester') demeans you and your work.
You say feel you are "getting the hang of poetry"? One golden rule to observe when writing rhymes, especially, is if you've got to FORCE the rhyme then it's not worth the bother. The rhymes should feel natural and smooth.
This is not your finest hour as you've produced much better work than this poem. However, as a learning experience, it's all valuable knowledge.
I think you have an interesting concept here, but it seems like you just started drafting and didn't try to create a whole narrative. Don't be afraid to continue building on it. Your instinct to withhold information is good, especially in flash story format. But you've withheld too much. We can only guess what is happening in the second part.
You've got two poignant, but very loose, ideas that I can't see the logical connection between.
It's another vignette rather than an attempt at a real story. I would like you to think about writing a full story instead, using the basic elements of storytelling (motivation, obstacles, protagonist, antagonist, conflict) instead of just cobbling together random ideas that don't amount to anything much. This is good for your own records and practice, but not for others to read.
Well, haven't we been here before?
There is no STRUCTURE to you story; no PLOT, no characterisation to speak of, no sense of purpose or meaning. It reads like a draft excerpt of something else you might have been working on. What is ISN'T is a proper story, far from it. Even the title makes no sense as it appears to have no relevance to the 'story'.
I will concede that you do at least appear to have taken a little more care with your spelling. I didn't notice as many errors as in previous works, so well done for that.