United Kingdom • 26 y/o • FemaleReviews Received
This is one of those apparently simple ideas that turn out to be a tad more complicated to write than it first appeared. I liked the idea behind the story, but the execution was not perhaps as good as it might have been. Still, on the whole, not the worst thing you have ever submitted, so that a plus :-)
Whilst it seems fairly easy to write rhyming couplets there is an art to doing it in such a way as to make the lines flow naturally so that they 'trip off the tongue' when you read them. Some of your couplets are a little forced (a fault I also suffer from!) which interrupts the flow of your poem.
However, in saying that, there is enough content to provoke thought, which is no bad thing. Well done!
Okay, I WANT to like your work. My problem is that I get a feeling of 'incompleteness' from some of your stuff, which frustrates me. This offering is a case in point. It doesn't really say anything (to me, anyway) nor does it go anywhere meaningful.
I would like to see more depth to your writing; more purpose, if you will. At the moment I feel that there is a poet trying to burst out, but has not quite found the right path just yet. Keep plugging-away at it, though :-))
While your poem isn't "bad", I just felt it to be somewhat rushed. It doesn't invoke any particular emotions or imagery in me. You've also got a typo on the penultimate line.
Your prose is quite good, Kaleigh, but you don't have a story here. This is a scene from, I presume, a much larger work or a simple vignette.
Your writing has come leaps and bounds from when I read your first submissions. I still think you need to stop rushing when you write. You also need to look at dialogue punctuation. This is how it works:
"I love you," he said. <- A comma when using dialogue tag (said).
"I love you." He embraced me. <- Capital letter and period when using an action tag (embrace).
This is still a vignette and not a whole story. But it's always good practice so keep it up!
Another of your stories slightly spoiled because you do not take the time to CHECK it before submission. It is a really bad habit...
As for the story itself; there is an element of repetitiveness about it that is slightly off-putting when reading through it. I understand that you are trying to convey a sense of indecision and emotional turmoil in the piece, but (for me) it doesn't quite hang together successfully. Not that it's a bad piece of work, just not as good as it could have been in my opinion.
Good description of feelings. Keep it up but improve grammar