United Kingdom • 26 y/o • FemaleReviews Received
Really Good! It sounded as if it was a real book you could buy at a book store :)
Honestly I don't see where Apemann is coming from. I really enjoy your work and I feel it is almost always complete. Don't take the mean comments to heart, some people just don't have a filter. Keep writing, you're fantastic :)
I really liked this poem. I feel slang can be used appropriately, and it definitely was in this one. I didn't really run into any snags other than a little in the beginning when I did see a small amount of "forced" rhyming. Otherwise I thought it was rather lovely
While your poem isn't "bad", I just felt it to be somewhat rushed. It doesn't invoke any particular emotions or imagery in me. You've also got a typo on the penultimate line.
This is an awesome little vignette. What I liked about it was the level of emotions you managed to pack into short space.
Think about two things when you write short fiction like this:
* Dialogue punctuation.
* What POV are you writing from?
Your writing has come leaps and bounds from when I read your first submissions. I still think you need to stop rushing when you write. You also need to look at dialogue punctuation. This is how it works:
"I love you," he said. <- A comma when using dialogue tag (said).
"I love you." He embraced me. <- Capital letter and period when using an action tag (embrace).
This is still a vignette and not a whole story. But it's always good practice so keep it up!
You've got two poignant, but very loose, ideas that I can't see the logical connection between.
It's another vignette rather than an attempt at a real story. I would like you to think about writing a full story instead, using the basic elements of storytelling (motivation, obstacles, protagonist, antagonist, conflict) instead of just cobbling together random ideas that don't amount to anything much. This is good for your own records and practice, but not for others to read.
I would prefer if you actually wrote a finished story instead of posting these excerpts and vignettes. Your first paragraph is an excellent hook, but the rest is just repetition of the same idea without anything really happening.