United Kingdom • 46 y/o • MaleReviews Given
This isn't a story, first of all, it's an attempt at a poem.
The problem I have is that it doesn't invoke any imagery or emotions for me. They're just statements that might mean something to you.
I liked the twist but I disliked the use of the adverb in "yells loudly". How do you yell "silently"?
Interesting vignette but there are quite a few errors here, especially in terms of dialogue punctuation and grammar. I also wonder what the point of this vignette is. What are you trying to say with it? You're dedicating two paragraphs to your narrator seeing strange lights, which obviously makes the reader curious. And then you just end the whole thing saying that no one ever found out what it was. I feel cheated.
This is very sad, but it's not a full story yet. Your writing feels rushed and is incorrectly formatted too.
Funny story. :)
Remember to write out numbers with letters instead. Especially if it's anything lower than a hundred.
Your writing has come leaps and bounds from when I read your first submissions. I still think you need to stop rushing when you write. You also need to look at dialogue punctuation. This is how it works:
"I love you," he said. <- A comma when using dialogue tag (said).
"I love you." He embraced me. <- Capital letter and period when using an action tag (embrace).
This is still a vignette and not a whole story. But it's always good practice so keep it up!
This is an awesome little vignette. What I liked about it was the level of emotions you managed to pack into short space.
Think about two things when you write short fiction like this:
* Dialogue punctuation.
* What POV are you writing from?
While your poem isn't "bad", I just felt it to be somewhat rushed. It doesn't invoke any particular emotions or imagery in me. You've also got a typo on the penultimate line.