lemonslice

Poor grammar and dialogue punctuation is hampering your work. Please make sure that you spell-check before posting. It only comes across as lazy otherwise, and you don't want that.

Your story is let down by poor grammar.

Sorry, this makes no sense to me. You need to use proper punctuation and grammar if you want to be a writer.

You don't have a story here yet, Matthew. It's mainly a collection of scattered ideas, loosely strung together with poor grammar. I'd recommend you took a more sensible approach to your writing if you want to find an audience for it.

I like how you come straight into the story and use short sentences to ramp up the tension. Some parts could be cut though, no need to state that the protagonist didn't take a shower. Also, make sure you stay in the same tense throughout the story; you have a tendency of switching between past and present tense.

Good luck with your writing!

Impressive to get this much told in so few words. However, it's in desperate need of revision because it's difficult to read. Lots of grammar and spelling mistakes, unfortunately.