United Kingdom • 46 y/o • MaleReviews Given
Your prose is quite good, Kaleigh, but you don't have a story here. This is a scene from, I presume, a much larger work or a simple vignette.
Does heartache make one a monster? In that case the world is only populated by monsters, which is a bit ... untrue.
Hiya,
I'd say this is a character vignette or a scene, rather than a story. For the most part, it's quite good but like other here say: think about the words you use. Less is more and don't substitute clarity with flowery prose that don't really mean anything.
Having a character waking up and preparing themselves for a day is cliché and something you should avoid in your writing. Always start your story as close to the inciting incident as possible. Keep up the writing!
It's not a bad start, Kaleigh, although it's not a full story arc yet, or did the protagonist actually die at the end? In that case, how is she able to tell us the story?
One thing to be wary of is giving a laundry list of descriptions. It slows down the pace and actually removes tension from the narrative. Be mindful of tense changes, they make or break a story.
Keep on writing!
Hi,
Your story has good bones, but is in desperate need of revision and polishing. It's sometimes difficult to read what is going on in the narrative when you don't punctuate properly and/or use run-on sentences. Keep writing!
Hi Daniel,
This is closer to a vignette than a story. I like that you've tried writing in the 1st person POV because that's very difficult. The one thing to remember about that, and this is something you will hear a thousand times more, is to go deeper into the character.
Don't use the filter words "I felt, I saw" etc because they put a filter between your character and the narrative (your reader). Just say what happens because we ARE the character.
Make sure you take a look at correct dialogue punctuation. That will benefit you on your long writing journey. Good luck!
Hiya,
Eery story.
The one thing I noticed that would improve it is to make sure you stay in the same tense throughout. You're switching between past and present tense between paragraphs, and that shouldn't happen.
Good luck on your writing!
Reads like it happened in real life. I liked that. You have some typos and other errors throughout that I would recommend that you polish and revise. Good luck on your writing!