United Kingdom • 47 y/o • MaleReviews Given
Funny vignette. The trick to writing excellent flash fiction is to cut out all the pleasantries when characters talk. So the "Hello, how are you?" dialogue has to go every time. Also, make sure you don't start with a dialogue without letting the reader know who's talking.
Keep it up!
Your writing has come leaps and bounds from when I read your first submissions. I still think you need to stop rushing when you write. You also need to look at dialogue punctuation. This is how it works:
"I love you," he said. <- A comma when using dialogue tag (said).
"I love you." He embraced me. <- Capital letter and period when using an action tag (embrace).
This is still a vignette and not a whole story. But it's always good practice so keep it up!
Lots of emotions and tension in so few words. Well done!
When a piece is this short, however, you need to make sure every word is pulling its weight. Currently, they don't, but it's definitely a good effort.
I would prefer if you actually wrote a finished story instead of posting these excerpts and vignettes. Your first paragraph is an excellent hook, but the rest is just repetition of the same idea without anything really happening.
A couple of grammatical mistakes here and there, but at least something exciting is happening at the very start. The trick to writing in first person POV is to not do the "laundry list" of actions that your character is doing, i.e:
I ran. I picked up the knife. I shivered etc ...
Also, avoid using the word "literally" and similar adverbs in prose.
Keep up the writing!
It's not a bad start, Kaleigh, although it's not a full story arc yet, or did the protagonist actually die at the end? In that case, how is she able to tell us the story?
One thing to be wary of is giving a laundry list of descriptions. It slows down the pace and actually removes tension from the narrative. Be mindful of tense changes, they make or break a story.
Keep on writing!
Why are you posting this when it's not the full thing? It's not a story now.
Also, watch the tense shifts and punctuation.
Great attempt for your first try!
I do recommend, however, that you look at dialogue punctuation and tense changes. You must stick to the same tense throughout the story and not switch between past and present.