United States • 23 y/o • FemaleReviews Given
So, while this may have some unique elements to it from the original, this is almost definitely not a poem your brother wrote himself. It was probably an assignment, or just something he thought was cool.
I think you did a pretty good job keeping the action going. I liked the urgency the battery percentage gave throughout the story. I, personally, found the setting almost as intriguing as the scenario. It would be interesting to read more.
This was very well written! I liked the rhythm of it, and I liked some of the devices you used to convey your message.
My main recommendation would be perhaps going back through and switching up some word order or choice to make the rhythm and meter more smooth and consistent. A couple of examples/suggestions are changing "There once was a murder" for "Once there was a murder", and "Just like most murders" for something like "Just as in most murders" or "Like any other murder".
All in all, great work! I hope that you didn't draw too much from personal experience to write this.
The first stanza is completely delightful. I love your use of repetition (anaphora, I think?), and the rhythm and meter flow beautifully. In the second stanza, I feel like we lost a bit of that flow, particularly in the last line, and in the last stanza, I feel like it was completely gone.
I think that because of your use of anaphora and the steadiness of the meter throughout the first half, it could be really powerful for you to switch it up a bit in the last stanza, but only if you give it a strong, define meter to really drive it home. I noticed that you weren't strictly using iambic meter for the more structured stanzas, but maybe if you tried to do so for the end, that could help. Anyway, I'm not entirely sure on that, but I hope it's helpful for you regardless.
I do enjoy the idea of the poem, and I feel like you have a lot of good potential for it!
I thought that this was pretty good. I liked the short stanzas, and I liked the feel of it. One suggestion I would make is in regards to one particular stanza where the last word in one line is "could" and the first word in the next line is "be". I would move the word "could" to the beginning of the first line. This would make it feel like each line is more of a complete idea on its own, and it would help them match the other lines more fluidly. Other than that, good work!
I absolutely love this story! It's so soulfully written and beautiful to imagine. I love the way that you use repetition throughout the story. It's wonderfully done.
Cheesy? Maybe just a bit, but mostly because that's the way of things, I think. I absolutely love this. You've managed to capture perfectly the way that I've felt many times. This story is beautifully written and conveys so much emotion without being overbearing and wordy. Thanks for sharing it!
This is absolutely gorgeous! This is your first poem? I'm impressed.
I usually don't care for free form poetry, but this was amazing. I might have to spend some time analyzing it later to figure out why. I loved your combinations of long and short lines, and I felt like it flowed together really smoothly. You managed to convey the emotions of loss and sorrow so beautifully, and the nostalgia mixed in was truly lovely. Excellent work!