This piece needs a serious edit! I counted the work 'park' FIVE times in the first two paragraphs! That is just plain bad writing I'm afraid. I gave up on your story at that point as it did not seem worthwhile continuing.
Please CHECK your work before submitting it. Get someone to read it and give you honest feedback, but most importantly CARE about it. If you don't, why should anybody else??
Unfortunately, due to the sheer weight of punctuation and spelling errors in this piece, I was unable to read it through. It was too annoying!
I get so fed-up with people who cannot be bothered to take a couple of extra minutes to DOUBLE-CHECK their work or run spell-checker BEFORE submitting it. It is laziness, pure and simple.
If YOU do not take your work seriously then why should I or anybody else??
To be honest your 'story' is not yet a story at all. There seems to be very little point to the thing. You've managed to say almost nothing in 256 words, so what was the point? There are barely enough words here to truly engage your reader. Short so-called chapters like this are a waste of time. Why not wait until you have a significant amount of work ready to submit instead of messing around like this?
I KNOW this is harsh, but it needs to be. In spite of my criticisms above you DO have a nice writing style. The problem is that you're wasting it on nonsense like this. If you are going to write a story then GIVE us a story, not this sort of fluff. You are better than this effort, I'm sure of it.
BTW: try to not give quite so much info in your intro to your work. You almost tell the whole story, which is not the idea. The key word in that section is BRIEF.
A surprisingly poignant and hard-hitting story which is well told. A very good job overall. Sure, there are one or two minor errors in spelling and grammar, but nothing that seriously detracts from the story. Well done!
I found the semi-religious undertone to this story somewhat off-putting, especially the 'preachy' last three paragraphs. They were annoying and unnecessary.
Overall, though, a nicely thought-through story told quite well. A creditable effort!
Too big a subject crammed into too few words makes this all rather nonsensical. The idea sounded fun, but you have failed to deliver I'm afraid.
There are also numerous problems with the layout of your story. I suggest that you revisit the Submission Guidelines and take them on board...
If you want to be taken seriously - at least, have your work taken seriously - you need to undergo a major attitude adjustment! For a young girl your language is atrocious!! Also, the 'don't give a toss' impression you give out is not exactly endearing.
As regards your story: yes, there are some good elements to it. However the grammar and spelling errors are inexcusable given the facilities on your computer that will highlight them for you IF you bother to use them. Overall, a disappointing effort as, had YOU made the effort to work on it, the story could (and would) have been so much better.
A very creditable first effort in the micro-fiction genre.
Be wary of being 'too clever', though: why you could not have used the word 'shirt' instead of 'maillot' is beyond me... Remember, you want to engage your readers, not alienate them :-)
Overall, a good start. Well done!