Andy (Formerly Apemann)

Again, your choice to ignore another of the submission guidelines (that of using slang and colloquialisms) in your work rankles. You are better than some of the work you submit. Using cheap 'kop-outs' (such as 'kiester') demeans you and your work.

You say feel you are "getting the hang of poetry"? One golden rule to observe when writing rhymes, especially, is if you've got to FORCE the rhyme then it's not worth the bother. The rhymes should feel natural and smooth.

This is not your finest hour as you've produced much better work than this poem. However, as a learning experience, it's all valuable knowledge.

Another piece that was unnecessary to read due to the lengthy 'brief' description of the piece you gave!

'Brief' means in a few words, not a full detailed description of what is to follow. Please try to remember that with future submissions.

As mentioned to you in private, the sheer length of this piece is daunting and will most certainly put-off a lot of people.

There are other issues, too: some of the language is flowery in the extreme, to the point of being almost unintelligible. I understand what you were trying to do, but you need to bear in mind that not everyone will 'go with you' on your literary journey.

The over-use of italics, too, is annoying - and goes against the site's Submission Guidelines. It's annoying and, to my mind, somewhat pretentious. Have you ever read a book where about two-thirds of the text was written in an entirely different font to the rest of the story?

You ARE a good writer, but this effort in its present form is not your finest hour.

Before continuing with your story you really need to iron-out the errors in this part first.

It is peppered with grammar and punctuation mistakes, which is inexcusable. Your computer has a spell-check and thesaurus facility. If you used them your story would not be presented so poorly.

I have to ask myself 'if this person isn't bothered about presenting the best story he/she can, why should I bother to read it?' That is a thought worth bearing in mind...

From the very first word - Abbey - I was disappointed. Your spelling is inaccurate: the usual abbreviation of the name Abigail (which I'm assuming is what was intended) is either Abby or Abbi. Your spelling refers to a religious building!

In the first three sentences you use the word 'job' three times. This is clumsy writing and poorly thought through. It jars badly when reading the paragraph.

That discordant theme runs right through your story: it's all a little 'clunky' and not very well explained or set out. It feels like you had an idea (and, I hasten to add, not an original one, either!) but didn't really know how to put it to paper. The result is an unsatisfying 'taster' that doesn't fulfil its promise.

There IS the germ of a good story here, but it needs a lot of work and thought to bring it to full fruition.

Please re-read the sites Submission Guidelines again and edit your story accordingly. As is stands this submission falls a long way short of the guidelines...

Your numerous grammatical, spelling and punctuation errors ruin this story. Please use your computer's spell check and thesaurus functions BEFORE submitting future works.

A nice, heartfelt poem somewhat spoilt by your failure to CHECK your spelling!

Take the time to use your computer's spell-check facility before submitting future work...