United Kingdom • 63 y/o • MaleReviews Given
This is an improvement over part one, but you are still making silly mistakes: if you are going to use 'Lace' as an abbreviated form of her name 'Lacey' then the first letter should be capitalised - Lace. Also, you chop and change your mind when you write times in your narrative; at one point you write it in digits and the next reference is written in full. You need to be consistent (written in full is the correct way of doing so) with your writing...
One other small point: you wrote 'suite' instead of 'suit', which changes the whole meaning of the sentence :-)
This is definitely heading in the right direction. Take a few extra minutes to check your work thoroughly before submitting. It will be worth it. Keep up the good work!
As this is supposed to be a stories site I have no idea what this is doing here... However, it IS here and open to review.
You DO write very well, which beggars the question: why this uninspiring nothingness when you could so easily turn your skills to something more productive and - to be perfectly frank - more interesting to read? I appreciate that you are trying to spread joy and happiness but as I said at the outset, this is a stories site. This sort of stuff doesn't really have a place here...
Please, I would very much like to read something from you that has come from your imagination, not your heart.. :-)
Spoken like the rebellious soul you truly are. Most play at it or aspire to it: You, m'dear, live the life and I applaud you for it. Love the poem as it is you to a tee :-)
What could - and should - have been an interesting and entertaining piece of work was completely ruined by the constant repetition of the word 'day. that in itself was bad enough, but to keep repeating it in capitals is unforgivable.
There are times when, as a writer, you have to take an impartial look at your own work and decide if it is REALLY what you intended to produce. I somehow doubt that this effort is the very best work you have - or ever will - produce. It does have merit, but not in its present form.
I kind-of enjoy your thought processes, which entertain most of the time. At times though, for me, 'less is more' could be the order of the day in some of your work. This particular poem goes on a tad too long for its own good, which is a pity as it is otherwise really good. As I said, my opinion only :-)
I do wish you would CHECK your work before submitting it! There are numerous spelling mistakes in this piece, which are unforgivable as it is unnecessary. You spoil your work through your laziness. Make the effort to use the spell-check facility on your computer!
On the whole you write well and entertain. You are often better than the work you submit. This piece is not your finest hour, neither is it your worst.
Leaving aside the fact that - again - this is NOT a story, what you have offered us need editing to make it more palatable to read. It is a solid block of text, which is not nice to try to plow through. In addition you have ignored the submission guidelines with regard to using numerals in your work. It is not good practice to do so and should be avoided.
As I have said before, you write well. I just wish you would turn your skills to something more interesting and entertaining. You are wasting your time with this sort of stuff, really.
Your mixture of classic-like phraseology and contemporary modes of speech makes this piece, at times, awkward to read. It feels almost 'jokey' in places, which I'm sure was not what you intended. You do write well, but the inconsistency in your writing 'voice' undermines what you produce.
This IS a good story.