United Kingdom • 64 y/o • MaleReviews Given
There is a good story here fighting to get out. Unfortunately you have burdened it with some clumsy phraseology, poor grammar and spelling. This is a story that needed some judicious editing before it was submitted for publication. Do keep writing, but take more care with the words you use and the way in which you use them. You have talent, but it needs careful honing to bring it to its full potential.
There are a lot of technical problems with your story, but the bottom line is that it is just not very good. There is no obvious plot or action or, indeed, any discernible point to it.
There are many issues with your story. You have tried far too hard with it instead of sticking to the basics. All that you are left with is a mishmash of badly conceived and executed ideas. However, everybody has to start somewhere and I would hope that you will continue to write as you will improve the more you do so.
I'm not really sure what to make of your poem. Not that it's bad, because it isn't. It's just..., well... ODD :-) It doesn't seem to fit any conventional poetry style, which is no bad thing either. Ah well, there's nothing wrong in being different - and this poem is certainly that!
Although this 'story' has been approved for publication it is not rally what the site was set up for. However, as there already similar works published it would not be fair to reject your work. I must, though, make you aware that future works in a similar vein or theme will not be accepted. One further note: please read my piece 'How to Write a Teaser'. It might prove helpful to you...
This is a very sweet and very mature poem. Only one minor issue: the word 'farther' should be 'further'. Other than that, superb! :-)
I like the idea and concept behind this work. Clearly this is something you put a great deal of thought into. Lovely!
It always a difficult ask to comment on someone else's religion-themed work. Leaving the theme aside, though, and concentrating on the form of your work is much easier! You have a slightly (if you'll excuse the unintentional pun) 'preachy' way of writing that is slightly off-putting. Whilst I appreciate your good intentions with you poem it left me irritated rather than pleased. I fear that other may also feel the same way, especially non-believers.