United Kingdom • 27 y/o • FemaleReviews Received
A couple of grammatical and spelling errors from the start was a off-putting when reading this piece ("she inquired" instead of "she Enquired"; 'definitly' instead of 'definitely') and again shows your slap-dash approach to your own work. Your computer has thesaurus and spell-check facilities. It would pay you to use them before submitting future works...
As for your story; an interesting little piece, if somewhat confused. You describe the girls eyes at one point as "cold begging" eyes. Why? What does it mean and to what purpose are those words used? Surely if the girl is begging the guy to stay they would be warm, inviting eyes?
I sometimes get the impression you use words and phrases for effect rather than for the purpose of telling the story; almost as though you are trying to impress with your vocabulary. It is something that many young writers are guilty of (and many not-so-young, too!) and more of than not had the reverse effect. Write what you really mean, not what you THINK you should.
I think you are still trying to find your 'voice' as a writer. It takes time and practice to achieve. Taking the help and advice given to you will help you on your way. You have the potential to be a very good writer... IF you shed the bad habits you have already developed.
Yet again another 'incomplete' piece of work from you.
It appears to me that you have an idea and put it down on paper 'as formed' instead of exploring it more fully and expanding upon it. Part of the skill of being a writer is to take a basic idea and to fill it out into a more meaningful story. This piece reads more like an outline or précis for a longer work, which as a reader, is frustrating.
Don't be swayed by all of the positive comments as they will mislead you. The negative and advisory comments serve a purpose, too. You have a certain story-telling talent that needs guidance and honing to turn into a skill. Other, more experienced, writers will help you willingly - if you are prepared to take their advice on board...
Another of your stories slightly spoiled because you do not take the time to CHECK it before submission. It is a really bad habit...
As for the story itself; there is an element of repetitiveness about it that is slightly off-putting when reading through it. I understand that you are trying to convey a sense of indecision and emotional turmoil in the piece, but (for me) it doesn't quite hang together successfully. Not that it's a bad piece of work, just not as good as it could have been in my opinion.
cool story
You're good at describing surroundings and actions and getting across emotions. I enjoyed this short story, it covered kind of a lot of area in a small amount of words. I like how unspecific you were because it led to draw conclusions that could fluctuate between the readers and tie more into the readers' emotions. Great topic to write on and good job of showing contrast of love and despair. Short and strong yet somehow sweet
Your prose is quite good, Kaleigh, but you don't have a story here. This is a scene from, I presume, a much larger work or a simple vignette.
I would prefer if you actually wrote a finished story instead of posting these excerpts and vignettes. Your first paragraph is an excellent hook, but the rest is just repetition of the same idea without anything really happening.
You've got two poignant, but very loose, ideas that I can't see the logical connection between.
It's another vignette rather than an attempt at a real story. I would like you to think about writing a full story instead, using the basic elements of storytelling (motivation, obstacles, protagonist, antagonist, conflict) instead of just cobbling together random ideas that don't amount to anything much. This is good for your own records and practice, but not for others to read.