United Kingdom • 26 y/o • FemaleReviews Received
This piece has some minor mistakes and it seems a little force out but it is still good. One advice is try not to use the same word too much. Like "girl" was used. You want to avoid that. Still this was an interesting beginning and I look forward to read what else you got.
Have a good afternoon
Fate🌸
SOOOO GOOD! This has me craving for more!
This is grande piece but you do have errors. My advice to you is before posting you should reread it five times and if you are not sure then just ask someone if they can look over it for you to help you catch the mistakes because you are missing some words with other errors. Do not be discouraged. You story is good. Keep on writing.
Have a good evening,
Fate🌸
Interesting concept, however it seems a little rough which dispels the tension that builds up throughout the story. Now I am horrible with grammar so I wont focus on that. I will suggest that the second part where the boy realizes he had been tricked describe that betrayal, show his fear. That adds to the tension as opposed the just telling the reader as the events happen. And the last sentence, I know breaking up the sentence was to be a killer ending but it also made it seem blocky and killed it in my own opinion.
I agree with Fate that it's good. It's something that you can certainly build upon. The one thing that I wished for, though, is something more finished. It feels like the beginning of something. Something good, perhaps? I, personally, like conclusions or cleverly open-ended stories that leave me with thought.
Great Job!