lemonslice

Interesting premise, but you're not doing much with it at the moment. I'd say it's closer to a vignette than a story at the moment. You will have to add more tension and conflict, because at the moment you just have a character's retelling of events the reader hasn't experienced themselves.

This is very sad, but it's not a full story yet. Your writing feels rushed and is incorrectly formatted too.

You've got two poignant, but very loose, ideas that I can't see the logical connection between.

It's another vignette rather than an attempt at a real story. I would like you to think about writing a full story instead, using the basic elements of storytelling (motivation, obstacles, protagonist, antagonist, conflict) instead of just cobbling together random ideas that don't amount to anything much. This is good for your own records and practice, but not for others to read.

Hi,

Your story has good bones, but is in desperate need of revision and polishing. It's sometimes difficult to read what is going on in the narrative when you don't punctuate properly and/or use run-on sentences. Keep writing!

Hiya,

Eery story.

The one thing I noticed that would improve it is to make sure you stay in the same tense throughout. You're switching between past and present tense between paragraphs, and that shouldn't happen.

Good luck on your writing!

I like that you begin the story right away and inject tension from the very first line. However, make sure that you spellcheck your writing before submitting it.

Your piece comes across as a lazy effort when you don't adhere to basic grammar, spelling, and punctuation rules. Please use proper paragraphing too.

I think you have good bones for a plot here, but you're rushing it too much. I think you're skipping through vital parts of the narrative and the 1st person POV doesn't work here at all for me. As a result, the ending becomes a tired fizzle when it should sparkle.

Also make sure that you understand how proper dialogue punctuation works. It makes your writing look unpolished and lazy when it's consistently incorrect. Keep writing!

I like how you start the piece, but your grammar and typos let your writing down unfortunately. It doesn't require much effort to run it through a spellcheck once. This is also not a full story but a vignette.

Keep writing!