lemonslice

I like how you come straight into the story and use short sentences to ramp up the tension. Some parts could be cut though, no need to state that the protagonist didn't take a shower. Also, make sure you stay in the same tense throughout the story; you have a tendency of switching between past and present tense.

Good luck with your writing!

Poor grammar and dialogue punctuation is hampering your work. Please make sure that you spell-check before posting. It only comes across as lazy otherwise, and you don't want that.

Great attempt for your first try!

I do recommend, however, that you look at dialogue punctuation and tense changes. You must stick to the same tense throughout the story and not switch between past and present.

Is there a particular reason why this is written in bold? Numerous punctuation and spelling errors make the text hard to read. I also suggest you use paragraphs where necessary.

I like that you begin the story right away and inject tension from the very first line. However, make sure that you spellcheck your writing before submitting it.

Your piece comes across as a lazy effort when you don't adhere to basic grammar, spelling, and punctuation rules. Please use proper paragraphing too.

I like how you start the piece, but your grammar and typos let your writing down unfortunately. It doesn't require much effort to run it through a spellcheck once. This is also not a full story but a vignette.

Keep writing!

Why are you posting this when it's not the full thing? It's not a story now.

Also, watch the tense shifts and punctuation.

I think you have good bones for a plot here, but you're rushing it too much. I think you're skipping through vital parts of the narrative and the 1st person POV doesn't work here at all for me. As a result, the ending becomes a tired fizzle when it should sparkle.

Also make sure that you understand how proper dialogue punctuation works. It makes your writing look unpolished and lazy when it's consistently incorrect. Keep writing!