lemonslice

Poor grammar and dialogue punctuation is hampering your work. Please make sure that you spell-check before posting. It only comes across as lazy otherwise, and you don't want that.

This isn't a story though.

Sorry, Matthew, but this is dire. You need to adhere to common grammar and punctuation rules if you want people to take your writing seriously.

You don't have a story here yet, Matthew. It's mainly a collection of scattered ideas, loosely strung together with poor grammar. I'd recommend you took a more sensible approach to your writing if you want to find an audience for it.

Sorry, this makes no sense to me. You need to use proper punctuation and grammar if you want to be a writer.

Your story is let down by poor grammar.

Impressive to get this much told in so few words. However, it's in desperate need of revision because it's difficult to read. Lots of grammar and spelling mistakes, unfortunately.

Sorry, this is absolutely unreadable.