lemonslice

Sorry, this is absolutely unreadable.

This is unreadable, mate. Please revise your work before submitting it for people to read. You only come off as lazy and disrespectful when you post it this way.

While the subject matter is important, MaKaylee, this is not a story.

There are other platforms more suited for your writing if you want to post excerpts and vignettes. Disregarding the posting Guidelines is bad form.

While the subject is important, you don't have a story here, Gracey. You need to read through the posting guidelines again, because you've obviously not understood them.

It's not a bad start, Kaleigh, although it's not a full story arc yet, or did the protagonist actually die at the end? In that case, how is she able to tell us the story?

One thing to be wary of is giving a laundry list of descriptions. It slows down the pace and actually removes tension from the narrative. Be mindful of tense changes, they make or break a story.

Keep on writing!

Hi,

Your story has good bones, but is in desperate need of revision and polishing. It's sometimes difficult to read what is going on in the narrative when you don't punctuate properly and/or use run-on sentences. Keep writing!

Hi Daniel,

This is closer to a vignette than a story. I like that you've tried writing in the 1st person POV because that's very difficult. The one thing to remember about that, and this is something you will hear a thousand times more, is to go deeper into the character.

Don't use the filter words "I felt, I saw" etc because they put a filter between your character and the narrative (your reader). Just say what happens because we ARE the character.

Make sure you take a look at correct dialogue punctuation. That will benefit you on your long writing journey. Good luck!

Hiya,

Eery story.

The one thing I noticed that would improve it is to make sure you stay in the same tense throughout. You're switching between past and present tense between paragraphs, and that shouldn't happen.

Good luck on your writing!