lemonslice

You don't have a story here yet, Matthew. It's mainly a collection of scattered ideas, loosely strung together with poor grammar. I'd recommend you took a more sensible approach to your writing if you want to find an audience for it.

Sorry, this makes no sense to me. You need to use proper punctuation and grammar if you want to be a writer.

Your story is let down by poor grammar.

While the subject is important, you don't have a story here, Gracey. You need to read through the posting guidelines again, because you've obviously not understood them.

Hi Daniel,

This is closer to a vignette than a story. I like that you've tried writing in the 1st person POV because that's very difficult. The one thing to remember about that, and this is something you will hear a thousand times more, is to go deeper into the character.

Don't use the filter words "I felt, I saw" etc because they put a filter between your character and the narrative (your reader). Just say what happens because we ARE the character.

Make sure you take a look at correct dialogue punctuation. That will benefit you on your long writing journey. Good luck!

Hi,

Your story has good bones, but is in desperate need of revision and polishing. It's sometimes difficult to read what is going on in the narrative when you don't punctuate properly and/or use run-on sentences. Keep writing!

Reads like it happened in real life. I liked that. You have some typos and other errors throughout that I would recommend that you polish and revise. Good luck on your writing!

A couple of grammatical mistakes here and there, but at least something exciting is happening at the very start. The trick to writing in first person POV is to not do the "laundry list" of actions that your character is doing, i.e:

I ran. I picked up the knife. I shivered etc ...

Also, avoid using the word "literally" and similar adverbs in prose.

Keep up the writing!