lemonslice

Interesting premise, but you're not doing much with it at the moment. I'd say it's closer to a vignette than a story at the moment. You will have to add more tension and conflict, because at the moment you just have a character's retelling of events the reader hasn't experienced themselves.

Poor grammar and dialogue punctuation is hampering your work. Please make sure that you spell-check before posting. It only comes across as lazy otherwise, and you don't want that.

Hiya,

Eery story.

The one thing I noticed that would improve it is to make sure you stay in the same tense throughout. You're switching between past and present tense between paragraphs, and that shouldn't happen.

Good luck on your writing!

It's not a bad start, Kaleigh, although it's not a full story arc yet, or did the protagonist actually die at the end? In that case, how is she able to tell us the story?

One thing to be wary of is giving a laundry list of descriptions. It slows down the pace and actually removes tension from the narrative. Be mindful of tense changes, they make or break a story.

Keep on writing!

Why are you posting this when it's not the full thing? It's not a story now.

Also, watch the tense shifts and punctuation.

This is very sad, but it's not a full story yet. Your writing feels rushed and is incorrectly formatted too.

Great attempt for your first try!

I do recommend, however, that you look at dialogue punctuation and tense changes. You must stick to the same tense throughout the story and not switch between past and present.

I would prefer if you actually wrote a finished story instead of posting these excerpts and vignettes. Your first paragraph is an excellent hook, but the rest is just repetition of the same idea without anything really happening.