Andy (Formerly Apemann)

This feels incomplete. There is something here, for sure, but in its present form whatever 'it' is isn't there yet. You have aimed for an air of mystery but have ended-up with something that is neither mysterious or satisfying. If anything, it's frustrating :-)

Not your best effort; however the language, imagery and wording is very good. I wonder if this might perhaps have worked better as a poem..?

Not too bad, although I would have liked a bit more to-and-fro dialogue between to the two characters. The very long 'speech' in the third paragraph sounds a little evangelical; 'preachy', even. If it had been broken-up with a couple of interjections from the other person it would have smoothed the edges a little without diluting your message (which is well put!)

A good effort. Well done! :-)

An unusual allegorical tale that has (to my mind) one major issue: very early in the story you describe Sarah as a 'little girl'. However she uses words and phrases more suited to a more adult/mature person. The two just do not jibe... Unfortunately this conflict spoilt the story for me as I could not get past the fact that it was supposed to be a little girl's speech I was reading.

Overall, though, it's a good story and well told. I would suggest that you revisit this piece and amend it to remove the age confusion issue. It would be to the story's benefit :-)

Unfortunately TWO issues put me off reading the full story: the use of digits in the piece which is discouraged (as per the site's Submission Guidelines, which you appear to have not read...)

Secondly, the unnecessary repeated use of the professors' qualifications in brackets was also extremely annoying. This is a piece that has tried to be a little too clever for its own good - and has fallen rather flat I'm afraid.

With some judicious editing and reworking this could be a much better story than it is at present. You have some talent that much is clear. Do, though, be a little more careful with your work as you do yourself no favours with silly errors :-)

There is potential here for a really interesting and engaging story. However, by rushing through it in the manner you have so far, you are in danger of ruining what you are trying to achieve.

Take more time to fully explore you characters, to develop your plot and storyline and to write it so that it doesn't read like you could not wait to get down all the words before you forgot them. As an outline story, this works very well, but it needs work to develop it into the fleshed-out and fully rounded tale it deserves to be.

What comes across clearly is that English is not your first language. Even so, you are to be congratulated on managing to correctly write dialogue, which so many native English speakers regularly fail to do...

You've written an interesting, but somewhat rushed, story, which leaves it with a rather unfinished feel. There are gaps in your narrative that needs filling-out and explaining more thoroughly. However, as a first attempt, this is still a fair one. :-)

I really do not know what to make of this. It is both interesting and confusing; confounding, even! I cannot say that I enjoyed it, as I found it to be somewhat preachy in tone. I do, though, appreciate the work and effort that has gone into producing the piece, for which you deserve praise.

I sort-of get where you're coming from with this one, but the leap from heartbreak to 'monster' isn't really explained or clear, which is a shame. However, another good offering :-)