Andy (Formerly Apemann)

This is developing into an interesting story. Unfortunately the errors in the piece detract from its overall effectiveness. Please take more care with your punctuation. It is spoiling otherwise good work as it interrupts the 'flow' of the narrative.

This is an okay little effort - but we have had so many similar stories. It would have been much nicer if you had offered us something new and original as you have talent that can offer far more than what others have already done before...

The numerous punctuation, grammar and spelling errors spoil what could have ben an otherwise interesting and engaging story. As it is, the faults get in the way of the pleasure to be gained from reading your work.

It's all the more annoying when a simple quick check with your spell-checker would have revealed the problems before you submitted your story. You do yourself a disservice by not taking those extra few minutes...

On the plus side, you have a good imagination. With care you could become a very good writer. :-)

I loved the idea behind this story, but it is a tad confusing in places. It would have helped immensely if you had separated the dialogue in to separate lines to make identifying who was speaking easier.

Calling your lead character 'big brother', whilst kind-of cute, doesn't really work for me. I would have preferred he had a name.

Overall, a good story. :-)

Although this is a somewhat different take on the theme it IS yet another story about suicide/young death. The whole thing is becoming tedious, to be frank.

That being said, your personal story-telling skills elevate this one above most of the others. However, I do wish you would turn your talents to writing something more positive and upbeat rather than concentrate on this dreary, boring and overdone subject. You are MUCH better than this!

There are some large gaps in your story that need 'filling':

The slightly 'jokey' opening to your threatening letter is inappropriate if you are tying to build tension. It just doesn't work! You cannot do both and expect your readers to follow you into whatever dark place you want to take them.

Secondly, Taz's almost-immediate acceptance of the letter is hard to swallow. Where is her shock? Her distress? Her anger? Her disbelief? At what point does she dismiss the letter as a sick joke, as some sort of wind-up, for instance?

In order for your narrative to be interesting it needs to be believable. The best way to achieve that is to imagine YOURSELF in the situation you are describing: how would YOU react to that letter if you were Taz? Would you scream, cry, tear the letter into tiny pieces? Would you throw-up, smash something, tear around the house screaming your head-off, call your parents/the police/your best friend? Any one of these scenarios is far more likely than what you have described.

I cannot imagine a Dustin happily being told to pack and come to someone house without some sort of justification. I can, though, imagine Dustin responding to a tearful phone-call and being shown the letter THEN going home to pack etc...

Expediency in writing is a tool that needs careful handling to make it effective. Jumping from one scene to another without some sort of logical progression is a dangerous game to play as it leaves huge holes in your plot. This is what has happened here.

As a first draft of your story, this is okay. You now need to revisit it to see where you can make changes and improvements to streamline it and make it flow more logically and more smoothly. You have the skills to do so. You now need to learn the patience...

Second Review:

This is MUCH better! It flows better, makes far more sense and has that missing sense of tension I was looking for. There is also a logical progression from one scene to the next. Well done and congratulations for having the maturity and confidence to take on-board my feedback and advice. :-)

The use of numerals in prose is really not very good practice. It is preferable to spell out numbers (seven years old, the nineteen-sixties, for example) than to use digits.

There are large gaps in your story: you basically gloss over a SEVEN YEAR OLD girl finding a mangled human body - which would have been a terrifying and traumatic experience for anyone, let alone a young child - and move on to having the resort reopened with the girl as an adult. This cannot and does not work!

There is little point in introducing an event in a story if it serves no purpose. You HAVE to have a reason for doing so other than for 'filler', which I suspect this example is. That's fine... if you can get away with it, but to drop in a massive bombshell like the one you have and then totally ignore it is clumsiness unbounded. You need to either remove the reference or explain it. As it stands it mars the story badly.

You need to separate your dialogue from the paragraph., thus:


It wasn’t long before he spotted Kyle on the couch. Before he could comment or get any closer I blurted out nervously.
“Something bad happened.”
It was like I had confirmed his suspicions. Without a word he lifted the blanket.
“Fuck Jane, I’m so sorry.” He did not react as I expected him to. Instead he hugged me hard.
“I’ll explain everything, but first we need to dispose of his body.”
He went back to his house and brought back what I assumed was a body bag. Tom placed Kyle’s body in the large bag and zipped it up.
"I’m going to take care of this.” He lifted the body bag. “Go clean yourself up and get some sleep. I’ll check-up on you when I get back.”

It's much easier to read and easier to follow when you write as above. Take care with punctuation, too (see my edits in the above sample).

As I have said previously, there are good points to your writing, but bad practices are letting you down. A lot more care and attention to detail will help, as will having a clear idea of where you want to take your story. If it doesn't really fit in the story DON'T WRITE IT is a good rule-of-thumb...

The style of this piece puts me in mind of a old-fashioned ballad or love poem. For one so young to be writing in this style is surprising as it takes a great deal of skill to pull it off effectively.

You have done a fair job, but it is far from perfect. However, for someone who is not a native English speaker, it is a remarkable achievement nonetheless. Well done!